YadaYadaYada goes my heart....

Frozen in time

2010-11-23T14:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday the better part of the night was spent in reading old xanga entries.

there were moments of pure laughter, moments of regrets, and moments of awe in seeing where i am in life right now. that xanga encompassed about 3 years of my life, i was a very faithful blogger.

but somewhere down the road the magic died and the surge of delight i had when it came to expressing myself by punching with ambition on a computer keyboard kind of faded away.

so i thought, i would start again.

and maybe revamp my site again. also to make it public that i have blogspot, i realized the reason i loved blogging before was that a majority of my joy stemmed from the fact that i was writing for somebody to read. after i made this "secret" blog there was no one to write to.

so here i go again.

sitting at a barnes and noble on the second floor.

jazz music is playing in the background and a couple next time has a conversation in a foreign tongue. the sound of pages being turned and the occasional cellphone spewing out a ringtone.

i look out the window to watch people milling around, milling around to the soundtrack of life.

electric snowflakes suspended in the air, to declare the time of overspending and panic rushed emotions of holidays is drawing ever near.

cars crawling with their headlights brightly lit, and for one brief second frozen in time, everything.

mini weekend trip

2010-02-26T08:58:00.001-08:00

my first week of work is over.

it included loads of sitting around and people lecturing about how wonderful it is to work for this institution. they kind of brainwashed me and i am actually starting getting excited about work. four days of handouts, information, and computer training.

friday is the day off and my next two weeks look like MTTH and MTW...

whoo hoo weekends are totally belonging to me.

this weekend i am off to spend some time in our national's capital.

friday hopefully playing with some beloved friends.

and then saturday i give to myself as i venture out on my own to see the museums and ride the subways.

one more thing i am committing to myself is to not limit myself to explorations because i have no one else to do it with. who cares if i am by myself hehehe...

i should just go for it...

this also made me think about doing one social experiment, that i will perform and write about.

more to come later.

have a lovely weekend folks, stay warm, and do one creative thing a day.

post

2010-02-22T14:07:00.000-08:00

Essentially I have been meaning to write.

it was just last week where i sat at my computer, poised ready for rapid typing.

however it fell short, when i realized i hated my idea of "ABCs" of my life. realizing that the topics i wanted to write about were a bore, quite personal, and could be downright depressing.

maybe some other time.

so today was the start of first day of orientation.... after all the hooblah and drama over my nursing board exams... passing... all G-L-O-R-Y goes to GOD.

and then relishing my final week before orientation... which included loads of sleeping in, olympics, one 1000 piece puzzle, jewelery making, friends, food, cheesecake...and a fasting retreat.

i walk out of the house today in utter peace and confidence of what the next stage of my life will bring. it is so fresh...and new...and awesome. the best part about it is coming home... and NOT having to worry about a test/project/paper/reading/online discussions/ the evening belongs to me.

it is the honeymoon stage of adult life as i know it, and i am savoring every tasty moment.

apologizing

2010-02-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

i am in the midst of writing and starting my new blog self with the ABC's of my life.

however with the upcoming nursing exams/board, i can't.

i have been a bad studier for the past couple of weeks. and in the midst of those two weeks i have realized that i am a horrible studier and will never be a scholar.

i am bored of it already.

i have about 4 days till the actual test, and i am meaning to isolate myself from home or from friends, from life in general till that friday i take it.

please loads of prayersSSSSSS!!! i need them.

till them stay warm and toasty.

ps. ginger i think u shud grow your hair along with me. i am dying to chop it off too, but at the same time know that i will regret it. so lets be hair growing accountability partners. hahaha we can chop it off together in the summerish time.

love ya.

peace out.

- hugs and more hugs, sofy

New Writing Project...

2010-01-25T19:54:00.000-08:00

My fingers are itching to write, to type, and in a sense to express an explosion of feelings and emotions and thoughts and experiences. Maybe it is the transitions period that i am slowing being eased into...eased into at an incredibly quick rate. It is like suddenly my mind and my heart is opened to things and senses other than nursing school. i am really living out a new chapter of my life and it scares me at the same time it makes me feel more alive than i have in a long time.

life is in front me and the possibilities are endless and there are new adventures for me to explore. therefore changes must be implemented and my thought process have to go beyond what i have clung to in the past 4-5 years of my life. and i have decided that even if there might not be others willing to go on my journey me, it's okay.

the changes include things i have always wanted to do... and to DO them with no excuses!

the very first of them being a blogger. i want to be a blogger once again. i had the glory days in xanga and then it died down once the audience became too big for me. too big that i had to be precise about what i wrote and expressed.

so blogging.

the second thing i am determined to do is to learn to play the guitar. i have one getty dusty in my room i can't even tell if it needs tuning. i am musically challenged and have a voice of my teenage boy going through puberty. but i want to be a girl who can strum the guitar with gusto, out of pure enjoyment.

so guitaring.

the third thing is to explore my surrounding neighborhoods. i have realized now more than ever that i love locality, i love communities, i love little quaint shops and resturants that only the natives know about, i want to discover secrets. i especially want to find b&b, which are loves of my life. i want to fall in love with where i live, and not be impatient to get out of here.

so exploring.

the list can go on and on. but for now these are the most practical ones i know that i can handle for now.

that is all i have to say for now.

and in regards to blogging and my title...

i am going to experiment with different writing ideas and approaches. because for writing i need some sort of inspiration/a kickstart to get me going.

so for this first experiment i am going to try doing the ABC's of my life. Going down the alphabet and writing about one thing starting with that letter could be a great start to my blogging journey.

sorry this post was all over the place and random and not cohesive at all.

i had word vomit and my fingers couldn't stop typing.

so here goes everything. please keep me in check if my posts begin lagging.

surrendering,

2010-01-20T15:03:00.000-08:00

i am suddenly feeling as if a giant cavemen has come out of the blue and punched me in the face with the stick of reality. the nclex is coming quite near and i ended up out of sheer nervousness delaying my test date from February 1st to the 5th.

i talked myself into this, because there were no other dates to reschedule to and i was sick for about three days. which meant that i lost about three precious days to cram even more crazy knowledge into my already overwhelmed brain.

in spite of all this nervousness and crazy, God has been telling me awesome stuff. that HE is BIGGER, the BIGGEST thing out there and that HE is on my SIDE. i was really wrestling with the whole issue of dropping the test date for another. praying about and trying not to take action because I want to be in control and not allowing God to be in utter and total control of my life.

in the end it seemed that God wanted me to know "it didn't really matter, what test date i chose"

assuming that FOUR extra days was NOT to make much of a difference on a human level. MY DADDY, MY GOD is on my side. it's in moments like this where i learn the most about surrendering to HIM.

"...The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

hooHA.!

Victorious Waiting.

2010-01-11T09:50:00.000-08:00

the first few weeks of any new year, keeps in at a bliss at being able to start afresh with a slate that has hardly been touched, written on, or even clouded with bits of chalk dust.

i used to make new year's resolutions when i was younger, things pertaining to weight, exercise, being nice, Bible reading. and every year i miserably failed.

after about the second year of high school, i no longer saw the need to make a new goal in my life where i could only end up in failure.

this year however was different. after my last week of 2009 was rocked by the Urbana conference.

ending the year and starting the year with a bang. God began to do some revealing within me. he did some major revealing when it came to the area of my life where i needed to really work on.

patience. as i get older i have become to realize the truth about myself.

i am freaking impatient.

and as i become more busy with life and more involved and more just out there. i expect fast, quick results. i hate waiting. it could be anything, waiting in line for checkout. i can give really dirty looks when the cashier is just a tad bit slow. or waiting for things to pan out in my life, so that i can go overseas and see the world.

i hate waiting for my amazon purchases to come into the mail and i hate waiting for things to start. i would rather be late than to wait.

i want results now, i want answers now, i want to be tended to NOW.

God revealed this ugly side of me, with tenderness and a bit of amusement as he said, "you need to relax girl"

why was i in such a hurry? maybe it is my mkness of always going and doing. or the fact that i want to do so much.

but God says wait and to enjoy the process. wait to go overseas, wait to meet your future husband, wait in line at giant, wait for the nclex test to come, wait for miracles to happen, wait.

and with this new revelation birthed my new year's resolution this year.

Victorious Waiting.

waiting is an act of Obedience that is shown again and again in the Bible.

- Jesus waited THIRTY years before he began his ministry.

- Mary and Martha had to wait FOUR days after the death of their brother, for Jesus to come.

-Abraham waited more than who KNOWS maybe EIGHTY years before he got his beloved son

- Noah waited in the ark for 370 days, can you imagine with all that nasty animal poop, let alone it took him at the absolute most 100 years to actually build the ark.

- Jonah waited in the belly of a SMELLY FISh for THREE days.

and the list just goes on and on of people in the Bible, who were commended for their ultimate Waiting Skills.

Therefore I will Wait, and pray that in Waiting I can Be Victorious.

that by Waiting God will mold me and show me even greater things that i have only yet to imagine. that waiting is a GOOD thing.

so here i go to wait upon the Lord for He is Good.

snapshots of my room

2009-11-05T05:27:00.000-08:00

being inspired my fish's post about her room, here are some clicks of mine

welcome to my much loved, much slept in, and lived in, and cried in, and danced in room

. just the bottom floor with my collage of ireland

my bed it is really high and i have to climb unto it every night. however it is so comfy.

not really made, since i was doing my work there that day. plus my israel collage on the wall.

other side of my window... random memorbilia... the purse is from indonesia and my dragonfly mobile i had since h.s. my yearbooks... i love this corner.

corner after my desk.. with my calender and my jewlery stand, since i am obessessed with shiny things....

My desk quite messy, with my famous DKNY kissing poster i had it since h.s., my handy fridge, another korean kite, and my shelves of memory... consisting of everything from a japanese coke bottle, to geisha doll, to books, and african drums...i spend a lot of time here.

my bulletin board...my secret man wall.. which consists of david beckman because accents and soccer equals hot, rocky because he is awesome, john k. from the office because he is the cutest guy ever lived, and my gangsta poster... (it says all my life I always knew i wanted to be a gangster)

clothes rack and my kite from korea... i still don't want to let go of my fan. so it's still hanging out there.

super tired, but happy

2009-10-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

today my nurse preceptor gave me the best comment that i could ever want.

when talking to her about my secret desires to be a flight nurse and work shock trauma.

i never felt confident enough, and i never knew how i would react in emergent situations. in situation in high stress.... i get scared that i would totally freak out.

but yesterday watching discovery health shock trauma... and seeing the nurse riding the helicopter with a guy who had a sliced artery made my mouth drooooool with anxiety. and they get wear RED jumpsuits.

i was explaining all of this to my preceptor, how i was not confident enough....and i think i may be a spazz ball.

but she told me "no sofia. you will stay calm. you are a very calm person.. you would do great at that..."

REALLYY!???????????

the nicest thing i have heard from somebody i really respect.

maybe i can be a freaking shock trauma nurse... and ride helicopters.

update on life....

2009-10-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

i am going to try really hard, uber hard to update.
to blog... to share...to express...

how many times this year have a i started a blog post... only to delete and promise to write better and MORE next time.
here is the promise now.

UPDATE:

School:

To all seniors who told me that this was the easiest semester, go and flush yourselves down the toilet. This has so far been the most taxing, the workload doesn't make any sense... mixed with the insane bouts of senioritis has made me want to SCREAM "ENOUGH ALREADY WITH STUPID TESTS, and fake quizzes, and GROUP projects..."

this semester is the year of DRAMA in the group projects, a whole lot of crazy caddiness.

but the beautiful thing that pulls me back from wanting to sleep till this semester is over, is the amazing fact that i am almost done!!! Done, done, done, done, done, done.....

and it's wierd, feeling the way i do when i am on the hospital floor putting up IV, giving shots, testing PIV without a thought in the world... not being scared of patients anymore and actually sounding intelligent in front of doctors.

it scares me and yet excites me. and also hits me everytime at even though there is so much i do know, there is a vast amount of stuff i still DO NOT know.

but i am almost done, and i will learn all that i need to know. its going to be great i know it and completely strange when soon instead of saying "hold on, let me ask the nurse..."

realizing that.... "I AM THE NURSE..."

BE THE NURSE.

Church:

officially i am focus now and no longer in the impact world.

which makes me sad and a bit lost and a bit lonely. you work hard to make your friendships and it gets a bit sad to start all over again. so focus is focus for now, nothing much to say there since i have been too busy to really do much with them.

however timothy has been awesome... fully checked in with the timothy girls and friday night girls' only prayer meetings before friday night have been amazing.

i see so much of myself in these girls... and it makes my heart ache even more to show them "that they have awesome potential in the kingdom of God... and so much more"

Seeing the little bit of change in them week by week, encourages me to say "yes LORD, do as you want with me in their lives..."

Work:

work at the financial aid office at school is normal. i do folders and now have been promoted to front desk. i have to answer the phones now and have to listen to crazy students on the entire issue of finances.. touchy touchy subject.

no change there...

trips:

urbana 2009

clubs:

i am now a lifetime fitness memeber.. muhahahahah. i am a gymer... gyming is my game.

shows:

glee---- amazing....

flash forward--- partly due to john cho... and then the story line is kind of intense and crazy

greys--- only because i have been watching it for so long

ugly betty---- only because she is FINALLY a feature editor

sytycd--- duhhhh so that i can drool over the dances and feel sad because i can't move like that

current status:

major girl moment... meaning lots of crying watching cheesy commercials and lack of concentration on paper that is due tomorrow.

smacking my watermelon flavored gum and wondering how in the world is the paper going to take shape.

making excuses in my head that writing in my blog will help me... get ready to write my paper for tonight.

i love it when wednesdays are OVER.

you guys all should keep pestering me to keep on updating

till tomorrow is over... have a pleasant moment this week which includes sweet surprises, yummy smelling things, and lots of sunshine.

Blogging from word

2009-09-29T09:13:00.001-07:00

Testing.. blogging from word.

Hoping that this works.

finding the part i lost

2009-03-25T03:45:00.001-07:00

i guess on more elaboration on what my trip to Ireland did for me.
it opened me up again to the world of history, books, poetry, and oldness.

growing up in high school i was the idealistic girl. i was the dreamer, the romanticist, the lover of scandalous history. i craved the stories of the monarchs, the wars, and the poetry lines that would move me. i was passionate and seeked it.
then college came along, took a couple of history and art appreciation classes here and there. but with the decision to go into nursing, i found myself strapped onto the sciences/ critical thinking boat.
once nursing school came along, i slipped away into the world of common sense, numbers, medicine...the rules and scheduling of nursing school is so rigid and structured. that sometimes i found it so hard to breathe, i didn't realize that something was missing from me.

it was like a huge part of me was snuffed out because i was so focused on succeeding in this aspect of my life.

Ireland opened me up again. it made me hungry again and passionate for the history. it made me crave once again for the smell of old books, yearn for the sight of buildings with stories, it made me want to read poetry again.
its delightful, this feeling. like i was suddenly liberated, to learn what i always wanted to learn.
so i am back... checking out books... reading on books... especially since i brought back eight antiquarian books... the thrill of reading poetry within those binded volumes makes me want to cry.
that was another thing Ireland made me realize: i love antiques and i love books.

the idea that object or book was an intricate part of another person's life gives me chills. especially books... in a time before radios, computers, internet, and phones the thing that moved people and help people get lost into another world was books. the books i purchased was all loved, read, and cared for by another person and it makes me all giddy inside knowing that i own a piece of history.

i sigh in contentment...

one day i will have a beauty and beast like library, complete with rolling ladders.

antique shops here i come!

ireland

2009-03-20T02:21:00.000-07:00

so the last day of ireland has finally come. i don't want to leave, but reality calls.

on this trip was i not only able to rebond with close friends and make lasting memories.... but it made me thirst more for the culture and history of europe.

i love history and old books... and stories.. i love old archtecture and csstles, and victorian homes.

this just made me realize that i must see the rest of europe before anything else.

i like wandering and within the last ouple of days i was able to wander the streets of dublin finding all sorts of funky shops... lots of old books... and just wonder on my part.
blurb....
onto america

busy...

2009-03-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

there are a host of things to do.
when i say "host" i think of my list of things... i think of each thing having a face and a name begging for my attention... "hello don't forget about me...!" "I am due in 24 hours what the heck are you doing?" "you haven't looked into me yet, write me down right now.."
that is why there are a host, a group of things who are grabbing at me to get them done. when will it be no longer a "host of things", an angry mob...but just a few quiet friends.

i am tired, really really tired. moments like these is when i should be crying out to Jesus. however, i do this everytime i shove him to the corner. "God i will deal with you later, can't you see i have a project due, i have tests, i have to go to the bank, i can't keep my eyes opened, you understand right?"
and God quietly, sadly goes to that corner and waits for me.
shouldn't it be when the "angry host of things" comes chasing after me, i should stand behind HIM almighty savior??

it's my nature, it's human nature to want to be left alone with "the host of things" to bring them down one at a time with my own strength. maybe that is why i am so tired, so exhausted. i box HIM up and open HIM up when i find it convenient for my time.
HE should be left unopened, without any boundaries all the time. that way i can see the magnitude of who HE really is, that HE is my shepherd, my SHIELD, HE can knock off any bunch of "angry hosts" and only use HIS thumb.
i don't remember being this zapped of energy, being so hungry for sleep.
God, i know it's insulting, for me to say this... but can you come out of your corner. come out in all of your hulkness and supermaness and help me to overcome. through you there is strength and peace... through you i find myself rising on the wings of dawn. through you i dance without tiring, through you i find my everlasting joy!
through YOU, through YOU, through YOU!!

the more i seek you, the more i find you

2009-03-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wonder if in heaven we all get our own montages... or if we die and our lives our shown on that silver clouded screen, a very personal montage with all the beautiful and "it's so you" soundtracks pop up.
i have been reminiscing alot lately, maybe due to the fact that i am distracting myself from studying.. or the snow fall today makes me quiet my heart down.

one thing that has been upon my heart recently is "missing God".
and this is not a missing God- of being i am falling away, i need him in my life, save me from the depths of despair... but the missing him even more, as i get to know him even more.
how can i explain this longing in more heart? not being satisfied, as i delve in deeper my heart aches more for Him. it is like my spirit is craving for more.

and then i began to think about it, where did all this longing come from? this might sound Crazzeee or retarded... but a thought came to me and i am going to share it.

personally, i think that long ago before we were born, we were with God. As God was creating us and "knitting us" in our mother's womb we were with him. our spirits were with him, and it communed with him, shared moments with him, and i think those moments was when our spirit and God was having that indescribable relationship of Creator and Creation.
Once God creates us, our spirit is placed within that earthly body and we are sent, we are born, we come alive here on earth.
As we grow and live, that spirit grows and lives with the world and we forget. We forget those tender moments with the almighty one, we forget the meaning of communing with God, we forget. however, i believe that as moments such as this, the spirit can also remember.

and maybe that is what my spirit is doing, remembering, longing to be with the one and only God. glimpses of heaven longing, tastes of the everlasting makes me desire even more. who can imagine what it will be like when all is said and done, and we get those moments with our Abba Father. And those moments will last forever and ever.

so i miss God, as i search more, feel more, dive deeper-- realizing i barely scratched the surface to His heart for me.

this song WOW so simple, yet it says everything i want to say to Him.

have a week filled with His awesome presence and Grace...

pondering instead of studying...

2009-02-28T07:14:00.000-08:00

i was thinking about things the other day... deep philosophical things. when people first meet me, they don't get that impression that i think alot. i put off this front that my life is all about disney, cartoons, and color. but there are moments when i sit and ponder about everything. and on this particular evening i was thinking about what Wisdom was. i don't know why, but we always pray for Wisdom, we want to be wise, and we look upon the old sages with admiration...

so i began to think and break down what wisdom means to me...

What is wisdom? i think wisdom is the ability to have a teachable heart at all times. It the ability to in whatever situation positive or negative, extract nuggets of truth and learning points. Wise people are able to take these nuggets and treasure them in their hearts, sharing them with others who might have gone through the same situations. Wise people are continual learners. Wisdom is broken down to three things: discernment, teachable heart, and good boundaries.
I think that "good boundaries" is something that we tend to forget in regards to wisdom and wise sages. But these people have the ability know these boundaries in the way they talk, they way they act, and the way they think.
A wise person has excellent boundaries, and it takes wisdom to develop these boundaries.
Wisdom doesn't come in explosions, but in a gradual moments. we don't notice but God drops wisdomful moments for us all the time. we just need to walk around with our hearts and hands opened to catch them when He does.

that is my piece for this week.

hope it made you think.
- sofs

from the mouth of babes... part 2

2009-01-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

(1.) watching ellen drink some water, and see it dribble down her cheek. she does not
bother to wipe it..
Me: "wipe your mouth, girl you look like one of my stroke patients."
ellen: " what's a stroke?"
ellie: "you know something in your brain thing..."
Me: " you know a stroke.. (trying to explain.)
ellen: with a serious expression "are you trying to curse me right now?"
WHat the heck.? hahahaha

(2). Me: "thomas jefferson wasn't a christian."
ellen: "huh... did he go to the other place?" meaning hell.... she was shocked out of her mind.

(3.) glo and i threw a surprise party for elena.. after the commotion and the balloons and cupcakes.... we were just sitting totally zoned out so tired.. surrounded by the mess around us.

ellen comes marching down with a scarf around her head...
"why are you guys acting like hobos.. just sitting here..."
i don't know why but it made me laugh...

(4.) shasha and elo just came back from school. i was sitting on the floor talking to elo about her day. and then sha sha comes over.

shasha: "elo can you sit near the bathroom and talk to me while i poop?" (totally seriously)
elo: "No!" and then stomps away
shasha to me: "can you please sit there while i poop..."
me: "sure why not shasha."

so i sit there right next to the bathroom... talking to a boy who is grunting while he poops. his bathroom door is opened.. cuz he refuses to close it. and we talk about his day. i laugh silently. poor boy i think he gets scared pooping by himself.

i had to leave to tend to something so i tell sha sha bye...
later i hear elo and sha sha making jokes... and having a conversation. for about 30 min...

i yell back.."stop fooling around and poop!!! totally serious
glo starts to crack up...

another moment...
every time shasha has to fart.. he gets this funny face.. then says "uh oh." then lets it rip. these kids not a meal goes by when fart, or poop, or diarrhea somehow gets into the convo... oh the joys.

i love these kids.
but today was hard. and it is still hard its so different... i always loved youth. but working with youth at church is sooo different than living with one.
not going to elaborate, but today i was really disappointed and mad for the first time at a person's actions. at a loss for the first time...

my adventures of being a texan housemom is almost coming to a close.

till next time.

- mama sof

from the mouth of babes...

2009-01-12T10:25:00.000-08:00

(1.) Glo: "Be still woman.." (as she works on elo's hairs, she is the youngest)
Elo: "I am not a woman."
Glo: "Why not?"
Elo: "Because i don't have boobs yet.." cute impish smile...
---cutie pie---

(2.) Me: "I had a dream that i was helping a lady deliver a baby?"
Ellen: "Isn't that what corks do?" (2nd oldest)
Me and Glo: "Corks? what the heck are corks?"
Ellie: "YOU MEAN STORKS????" (she is the eldest)
Ellen: "YEah storks..."
glo and i laughing in the background...

(3.) Me: "Elena (the 3rd) can you please open the blinds.."
Ellen: "Yeah do it maiddd."
Elena: "I am not your maid..."
Me: "Ellen! be nice.!"
Ellen: "GOSH, haven't you ever played PRETEND?!" she yelled this actually... whatever i do i can never really mad at this blunt, tough, totally honest chica...
like you were pretending... so not she was lounging on the couch watching disney channel.

(4.) Elisha: "are we going to play charades tonight?"
Me and Glo: "Maybe, We'll see" (technically meaning not really.."
Elisha: " i don't like those words.. like "maybe" and "we'll see" that
means we are not going to do it."
awww... right on brother. and we ended up not we were too tired.

(5.) the telephone rings.. and caller id says it is a church lady.
Ellen: "Don't pick up the phone, she talks too much."
Me: "Ellen, that's rude..." while i pick up the phone
While i am talking to this ahjimma... i am fending off ellen and her 1.2 comments...trying to shush her.. things like..
"don't invite her kids over."
"hang up the phone"
"don't tell her anything..."
HAHAHAHAHAHA.... and after about 15 mins. later after i hang up the phone.
"Ellen what is your problem.."
Ellen: "Doesn't she talk alot, that's why my mom never picks up when she calls..."

(6.) Me: "Who in your family has your dad's humor?"
Elena: "What's a sumor?"
All of us: "Huh?, a sumor?"
Elena: "What's that?"
Me: "you mean dad's humor?"

(7.) Me and Glo laughing uproariously while the kids are doing their work.
Ellen: "Can you please lower your laughter..." in a valley accent.

there are so much more than this... especially with the youngest since she can't pronounce her "r" properly. but i can't seem to remember.
i laugh everyday, at these innocents.
hope this makes some of your day.

"i pooped in my undawer!"

2009-01-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

last night the kids were unusually rowdy... or maybe they were always like this i am just getting more tired. they were actually a bit cranky, making mean faces every 1.2 seconds and talking back to comments their siblings had said. dinner was all about either me or glo saying "stop it guys, be nice....".

so i lost my patience... "bed time at 8:30 tonight" and then we rearranged the sleeping arrangements. the younger three were sleeping together in mom's bed.. shuffled that around...and rearranged to help elongate sleep time and diminish talk time.

after dinner was there i was exhausted. so tired, but my night was quickly made by clamoring and screaming. earlier i had sent the younger three to showers, there was a whole lot of screaming and fighting over which shower to use. there was some peace until i hear
"_________ pooped in my un-da-wer!"...

"uhhhhh WHAT?!" where a huge part of me was thinking you are wayyy to old to be doing that... i go upstairs to find poop childbutt naked doing some wierd spread eagle position... " my ddonggo itches and it hurt..." child said in a serious tone.

i try to keep a straight face. i turn the shower on and command him to go in there... and then i say in a straight face
"okay child... get in the shower. wash your ddongo with lots of soap and rinse with lots of water. and child.. DO NOT USE THE LOOFAH... do you understand me?"

that was followed by a serious nod.

i roll down the stair laughing, i can't hold myself.
during this process the youngest so excited by all the chaos comes running down in just a t-shirt. i chase child back upstairs to find no proper undergarments and two butt cheeks saying hello to me as child screams its way into the shower.

for a moment there i thought i was in a episode of john and kate plus eight. and then there was moment of realization that i used the word "ddonggo" in a serious sentence/conversation. so i laughed uproarioisly, kids do say the darnest things.

when undawer child was done, these words.."my ddonggo feels much better now, i used lots of water."

good job.. i am proud of you.
after that the kids all watched an episode of tom and jerry... and cracked up at those old cartoons.. the sames ones i used to watch. i love that purity and sweetness about these kids, about all kids.
i collapsed into bed at around 9:40 and was out cold.

tomorrow is saturday!!! get to sleep in.
i hope that this story brought some joy to someone.

why...?

2009-01-08T05:07:00.000-08:00

i am beginning to slowly open up to the idea of expressing myself on blog again.
it's like finding an old toy, realizing at how much you missed it. you take it out, blow the dust off of it, and see if it still works.... meaning i wonder if i still have my writing skills down.

life has turned into routine. i do the wake up calls... which i enjoy. i realized that if i have enough sleep than i am a total morning person. and i love the mornings when the two younger ones are quiet and sleepy. i am enjoying this whole time, very very much.

so i sit here and contemplate. i think about how life is so unexpected and mysterious. how no matter how hard you try you realize everyday that you are not in control. i wondered and pondered on why i am here in texas. why i am here, when my best and closest friend was going through the worst days of her life? why couldn't i be there for her? i wanted to leave everything and just take a plane to just be with her. why did it pan out like this? my heart so burdened and choking back tears to be strong for her, when i heard her shaky voice over the phone.

and the questions come pouring into my heart. the reason God, i want the reason... why? why am i here, why is she there? why right now? why this family? God, why? we question as people, and yearn for the answer to: why? why? why?

as the "why?" questions pile up, the answers don't. why God? why?

and as i sit here while this question resounds within me...silence.
than...
"be still and know that I am God...be still, be still, be still..." and suddenly it feels as if a gentle hand reaches into my heart and extracts all those "whys?" scattering them across the breeze.
"be still and know that i am God..."
"yes, God, i will try."
it's hard not to be totally free from asking "why?"...
but the removing of most of them, makes room for the peace.

so the answer to all the "whys?"... i don't know. i don't know why i am here and she is there. i don't know why it was at this moment. i don't know. i don't know.
however, it's going to be okay. she is going to be okay.

conclusion... i love you friend so much. and my heart and throat has lumps because i feel your pain. i don't have any answers, but know that i am here for you. it's okay to ask "why?"... i have to end this post before i end up bursting into tears in front of the kids.
here is my virtual shoulder to cry on. lovelove, fiat.

2009-01-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

so i have some time now.
and here are some of my reflections on being a mother of five.... trial run.

i have always and still do want five kids, at least. and now experiencing this trail run of taking care of my five cousins for the next two weeks... prove to be an excellent trial run.

observation number one:
in the back of my mind, i am always thinking about is food... what to make next? can they eat it? how much to make? ingredients? so far i went to supertarget every day... because we were running out of milk, tomatoes... or now i need orange juice. what am i going to feed these kids? and these kids... bless their hearts eat ALOT. i love that... i hope that my future five children have healthy and hearty appetites.

observation number two:
i think my heart got bigger, to accommodate the hugs and kisses. i am not really a touchy touchy sort of person. but when it comes to little people, kisses and hugs are like life's bandaids and words of encouragements. i didn't think i could smooch those pudgy little cheeks or ask for "huggys"....

observation number three:
somehow when kids' daily lives are in your hands, you are in full alert mode. getting up at 6:30 every morning to wake up the little ones for school... so cute. their sleepy faces makes it worthwhile for me to drag myself out of warm bed, into dark cold air. besides in the morning i emptied the dishwasher, make breakfast, fed, washed the kids, wash last night pots and pans, make more breakfast for the older kids.... , find shoes, zip up jackets.. scurry off drop off point at school... so much to do in the morning. if i was in md right now, my sorry butt will still be in bed snoring away. plus, i had a dream last night that i had completely forgot to take elisha and eloise to school. and i woke up at 5:30 freakin out.

observation number four:
it's all good, having five kids. i love it. but realizing more and more, it is so necessary to have an OLDER aka.. father figure aka. husband person in the household. not that i don't feel safe with my other girl cousin and me, just i think i would feel more secure. and we def. had some moments of struggle with the uber large trashcans, getting lost, and opening spaghetti jars. NOT that i would ever have five kids without aka. a husband. but i didn't realize the important of having that "man of the household" thing, until now.

observation number five:
five seems like alot, but once you get used to it. well i am used to it now, a couple more would be totally fine with me. i don't think a couple more could hurt at all actually. it makes life more fun, and we were actually able to play games and have fun because we had enough people. therefore, five is beautiful. five plus two adults can fit into one minivan perfectly. but, i wouldn't totally NOT mind more.

observation number six:
i look like crap, but i don't care. it's all about practicality and comfort. sweats and glasses. i would rather have the kids looking neat and clean, than me. wierd...

i am done.. i am going to chill and play some DS.
tonights... dinner.... drumsticks. with roasted taters...and corn.

a long time ago...

2008-11-30T20:51:00.000-08:00

yeah so i am going to try really hard and post.

things have happened since my last post... GOD is good.

all the fighting and pushing was worth it and there was something at the end.
God is worth fighting for i figured out.
He is so worth it.

other than that.
thanksgiving was all about the food.
and being with family. i am a family girl... in the end i just need my family.
family and food makes my world turn... and of coarse God.

pushing and fighting through

2008-10-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

this is the continuation and further detail of the last post.
so this here the honest and cold truth... that my life right now is in that moment of dry season. that time when you try and you push but nothing seems to give. i felt like God was incredibly distant and even i did not have that desire to pursue any longer. i was bent, stretched, and exhausted. and for one brief moment i was comfortable. i didn't feel like moving and i didn't.
however, if you have tasted the chase of God and if you know the experience of passionate pursuit of God then life in itself feels remarkably empty.
and that is how i felt exactly for the past month, e-m-p-t-y.
void...dark...bottomless...unsatisfied...e-m-p-t-y.

so then i turned my face back to that distant, blurry face of God and cried out. expecting that God would swoop down like He has done all the other times and save me from that "miry clay". but this time there was no superman cape or the feeling of lightness when one is being rescued. things only seemed to get darker.

and as i began to search through prayer and through the word, two things kept on coming up. Fighting and Pushing through. being who i am, i know that i can be very sensitive to God's presence, things like renewing of the heart, hearing from God, and being able to feel cry out in utter groans for the kingdom of God came very naturally to me. however, this time around it was the exact opposite. i felt like God was saying...
"Sof, you have had it easy. you really want this? do you really want it, then come and get it. come and push through, fight for it. fight for the revival for your heart, i know it's hard but i am trying to teach you a lesson. am i worth the fight? are you willing to fight for me to keep Me as the center of your life?"

at first i said "yes", but as time went on the fighting and pushing just got harder and harder. "how much longer!" i groan. "where are you?" i whine.
mind you after that conversation, i felt like God was so far, oh so far. i was beginning to lose hope, when yesterday my forgotten letter came.

it was a letter that i had written to myself, from devotion on the ocean in may 2008. i completely forgotten about it, and the church out of all the months decided to send it a week ago. 5 months ago...i had written to myself when i was in a primal time with sweet, intimate moments with God. the whole letter is typical... until the last paragraph.. when tears began to well up in my eyes

"Sofia, just remember that God is faithful, He cares so much for you, and God loves you so much. Please remember to be passionate, about God's work and don't be swayed by the lies of the enemies who will try and make you feel doubtful, fearful, and insecure..."
right there, it doesn't seem like much, nothing profound. but at that moment God spoke to me through the forgotten letter. and suddenly i felt hope. beautiful hope. and that the fighting and pushing will end, and only with sweeter reward because of the fight.
and as many have put it in the terms of labor/delivery. God is doing something within me that i myself can not even place my finger on. but, right now i am in that laboring process, it's painful, it's long, it's uncertain. in the end though, something is birthed. so here i am still pushing and fighting for the glimpse of God's glory, that will come to pass in my life. fight the good fight, i pray i do.

ps.
and the 20 second prayer request.. was my cousin deciding to go to woman's retreat.
that happened the next day after the letter.
God is good.

there is hope

2008-10-16T05:18:00.001-07:00

to be completely honest. the last month things been hard, dry, and dark. it is a time when God is moving, but i feel like i have to fight and push through the thicket. but this week, God gave me hope twice so far.
in forms of a forgotten letter and a literally 20 second answered prayer.
i am in class and wish i had more time to tell you.
but here is just a heads up for now.

there is hope at the end of the tunnel. brillian and strong hope, that radiates and humbles me. There is hope beautiful, i have never felt this light and relieved in such a long time.
There is hope, i have forgotten all about.

i guess i should finally post another entry

2008-09-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

so awesomely clinicals ended today at 1:00 pm! however this means i have to wait around till my ride person is done with her clinicals.
which makes me annoyed because today is the day i decided not to bring my ipod or other "waiting around" essentials today. so that brings me here...

to be quite honest i have alot of things to say. but i just don't have to time to post. or at the end of the day i am too exhausted to post.
there are two things i would like to say.

number 1: i miss God. life this semester has been moving full speed ahead. it's charging like none other and with my "i am NOT going to fail my adult health" attitude i am busy. this is the busiest i have ever been in regards to school and church. in the midst of all these schedulings, clinicals, school, and being leader i forget to factor in God. My God, my heavenly Father who is waiting to spend some time with me as i just charge right past Him ready to do the next thing. and then He just gets pushed further and further into the corner, where i began to Not notice that He is still there waiting. therefore as i push along this thing called life, i feel that void, that extreme emptiness and longing. what is that?? everything seems to be going okay, but why does my spirit fall into longing? and then i realize i missed God. so now i am missing Him. it amazes me every time at how hectic the semester gets i miss God. i still have QT though they are not as deep, i still pray only they are not as meaningful, i still have the same desires to serve Him and honor Him. however, i missed Him standing there in the corner.
Dear God, i am so sorry. it has only been a week, but i miss you. there really is nothing too important that should tear me away from You. but God, i forget that and i begin to forget the taste of your presence. and as the longing and void enlarges over my heart i ask God, to bring me back to your GRACE and awesome LOVE. because God i know that you miss me too, and i can feel that. take me back, God, take me back. i love you, your wayward daughter, Sofy.

Never mind i only had one thing to say. the second thing is not as important.

its been almost a year

2008-09-13T19:22:00.001-07:00

its been almost a year since i went away.
i stopped because i grew tired and listless. and didn't at the moment have it anymore in me to write, somewhere else other than my journal.
that last blog seemed like such a long time ago... well it was.
and little did i know that when i wrote that blog... my life was going to get hit with a whirlwind of things that i wasn't sure i could brace myself for.
but i survived, stronger and wiser. and i look back, thinking "geez, i guess i was ready... more ready than i thought i was."
btw. i am NOT talking about a boy.

my life happens to be perfectly drama free like that.
pish sometimes your blogs make me laugh out loud... but i am too lazy to comment.

car drive

2007-11-14T16:59:00.001-08:00

i was talking to my dad. and he ended up asking me how my car was doing, since the stupid thing was causing me so much trouble in the last couple of days.

we made some small talk about cars, here and there. when i brought up the desire to one day own a honda accord. that was the only kind of car was drove, when we were still living in the states. and i guess for some reason that just brought back a flood of memories for my dad. he then started to talk about how when i was a baby they had to drive me around, till i fell asleep in the car. it was light blue accord ( i remember) and everytime they got to a stop light i would wake up screeching.
so whenever they needed me to calm me down they had to go driving...
he was speaking randomly and fondly...
that my throat tightened up so badly. conversations with mom doesn't usually illicit any form of tears or lump in the throat syndrome. but conversations with dad does, for some strange reason. maybe it's because somehow he always makes it sentimental or the talk diverts into either my safety/ well being or when i was little.

it was hard trying to not let the tears spill out, cuz i miss my parents both of them so much. that i forget, it just kind of goes away. however, conversations like those spark a crying fit. which just reminds me that i am still a BIG baby.

SIGH... argh.. what a day.

show reviews

2007-11-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

okay so i watch alot of tv.
i dabble here and there, experimenting one week, and it also depends on how much time i have.

so here is what i have to say...

ugly betty:
its a complicated story line. really really twisted and full of secret tunnels and scandals. it's everything rolled into one. it has humor, romance, drama, suspense, and loads of comedy. i really fell in love with the first season, just because of betty's kind hearted nature and the transformation of daniel...
the only thing i am disgruntled about is her relationship with henry. they are cute, he is so cute. but hello he just got a girl pregnant and he is planning on going back to be with her to raise the kid. i don't know what they are thinking going on sleeping together like that. i thought betty was much smarter than that, but then again it show another more humane side of her that is a little be endearing.
they also recently added in a gay lover for mark, which is wierd. and i am not sure if i am totally comfortable with it yet to be honest with myself. i am still committed to this show and will get evermore sucked into the scandals of it all.

grey's anatomy;
it's getting old. however i only really watch it for christina yang and bailey's characters. the medical story lines are amazing and watching all the surgeries going on makes me excited. the story line is dumb. and i hate it how EVERYBODY is just sleeping with each other i lost count. meredith is lame and she needs to get out of her freaking retarded butt and make a committment to mcdreamy. she is so not mcdreamy's type and worth anyways. but she is always going through the same things, and i find her rather exhausting....
izzy and george makes me fume.... george because he made a mistake by getting married to the wrong girl and then sleeping with another while married. and izzy just cuz she thought it was ok for her to sleep with george and not feel humiliated by it. whatever they both go what they want, and i hope something bad happens to them both. i feel bad for callie... i think burke and addison was smart for leaving seattle grace.

private practice:
the staff here too is pretty deranged and messed up. especially the psychiatrist, she is the one who needs help getting over this allan fellow. i really don't think that she is in the right mind to be giving people mental advice, when she herself is clearly off the chart. and i also find it wierd that dell and naomi sort of have a thing but not really. i don't find it attractive at all but sorta of creepy.
he needs to hang out with ppl his own age. however i do like the medical storyline again, it is interesting and unique. even though i am not sure how realistic that it may be. one or two episodes did make me cry. so i gave me props for that. over all i don't get too sad if i miss an episode.

pushing daisies:
lee pace is CUTE for words. and chuck is annoying. but the overall feel of the show is whimsical and very endearing. i love the set, the costumes (chuck has the prettiest dresses), the characters are really unique. it is all in all a very sweet and creative story line. it's kinda of cute how chuck and ned can't touch each other.
but after a couple of episodes i am getting a little bored. its' the same storyline. of dead people and finding the murder. i have suddenly realized that i watch the show not for the story line but for the incredible set and graphics. it's again getting a little old. the only thing i will always love forever is digby the dog...

chuck:
he is so cute... the perfect cute nerd character ever.
again old... maybe because rather than it being a ever growing story it is one small story during every episode. chuck has vision, hot cia agent, and cold nsa agent save the day. he always has something cute to say that makes me laugh...
but i find his relationship with his sister annoying and unnatural. but i am ready and willing to see what more he can do.. and if he will ever break free from the buy more.

the office:
i laugh out loud as in belly laugh at least 3 times during each episode which is alot. but they are ridiculous and makes me really wonder if they are really people like that in the world. there are some great quotes that come from this show.. and it's heart warming in a creepy way.

i think that's about it.
i know i watch way too much.... but there are so many good thigns to watch out there.

i am NOT an open book

2007-11-05T06:46:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel like i lag, when it comes to talking about myself and being OPEN with other people.
as i observe people and their ability to communicate with other people, i marvel at how OPEN they can be. i thought it was easy and carefree for me to be able to share about me, to talk about my life, to literally be an open book.

however, i am not. rather i am a closed book, tightly locked with a key i only give to a very few (so few in fact) that it may not even count as few. i don't know why i am so protective like that, it is not like i ever got hurt or betrayed. or maybe i did, and i just don't remember.
for a while now i have been fooling myself into thinking that my life was a carefree, let everyone be involved sort of book.
actually people who have open book lifestyles annoy me and i find them exhausting.

so if i was a was a book, i would be hardcover. i would be the type of book the reader would have a hard time feeling comfortable with, won't have an easy paperback. the front cover would not consist of anything that would possibly entice a future reader. i think i would be a book easily passed over, because of the hard, rough exterior. my intro might be mundane and wordy; and the font is courier. it may even crackle and smell moldy... and it might take the reader awhile to become involved with my reading. i am not a paperback, comic sans font, or a teenybopper book. i am tightly bound, exterior harder than leather, maybe looking like a vintage rarity. that's the type of book i am.

2007-10-31T09:58:00.000-07:00

i am alive.
tired, burned out, and relatively sick of mundane school life.

but i am still here, kicking and screaming.
there just hasn't been much time for me to ponder and mull over the things of life.

i also have been literally uninspired to write anything.

should i list?

-the weather confuses me
-i rewarded my behavior by buying songs from itunes
-i made a killer sandwich today
-colbie caillat really hits the spot in regards to music right now, i would have to say that she is the feminine version of jack johnson

and then i had this moment a couple of days ago, when i felt really emo and i wanted to watch korean music videos.
conclusion... somebody always dies... usually the girl. and i can time it like clockwork. the weather is usually rainy and there is a clip of the road/signal light. you hear the screech of tires...and the guy rushing to his "dead girl"..
this makes me think that in korea people get hit by cars alot.
and it also makes me think that if people are dying at this rate from car hits, than i can't say much about the medical system in korea. just because these days getting hit by a car doesn't warrant a death. only sometimes. oh these koreans are ever so dramatic, yet so predictable.
and instead of feeling really sad and melancholy, i laughed. wondering and timing the possibility of an untimely death.
there was another one i watched, where it took place in like Alaska in a random airport.
two korean guys and a girl were pilots. and they apparently wanted to be in the wilderness of korea flying planes. there was an obvious love triangle, but the one girl was already married to the girl...
basically what happens is during the night, this random, white fat guy did something accidentally to one of planes. i like how the make the culprit a fat white guy.
the husband gets a call for a plane and he is all eager about flying the plane. which in the ends begins to have trouble and blow up in the face of his wife and friend. BOOM! he's dead....

the wife gets depressed and so does his friend... his friend by the way drives a CRUELLA deVIL car in mid place of alaska, who does that?
and in the end... wife ends up flying the plane into a kamikaze mission. what a WASTE of film.
at least it wasn't a car accident, but they were in alaska... it would have been more interesting if she had died from a moose attack or thin ice.
i don't know. koreans make me laugh.

oh wait here is the video...
i found it.

hahah or maybe it was canada.... whatever.
point is girl always die... and then you get surprise like this when they both die.

- soif

stuck in a class that i didn't mean to get stuck in

2007-10-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

to go to class or to not....
that is the question. i am stuck in my 405 class, when i should be really really really should be studying for my pathopharm.

listing time:

1.) i have finally broken into my new white nike/nursing shoes.

2.) why is it so warm.. it's too warm for october.

3.) following up on a pish's blog....if i was a flavor of ice-cream... i would definitely have some sort of caramel swirl going on. cuz it's something that is comforting and tasty.... and not overrated like chocolate, as well as some nuts. cuz i am nutty person in general.

4.) i wish life was more exciting. after i watched couple episodes of chuck... i kinda thought "cool..that's cool. i want an exciting life like that."

5.) my cough won't go away.

6.) i went on a shopping splurge at old navy. i bought cuteness, and now i feel bad, because there is no more cuteness to go around for everyone.

7.) this might sound so sad.. but i want a boyfriend. i call it "cold weather syndrome.." when it gets darker earlier and when time just seems to slow down....my sudden need of a boy companion surges to a weird level.

8.) sometimes i get scared and worried over the stupidest things.

9.) i have to pee

10.) i miss my family alot. like ALOT.... which may explain part of my yearning for a boy friend. agggg

there's hope

2007-10-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

i am currently dripping snot, loads and loads of snot from my already exhausted nose.

my nose is telling me that it is tired and wants to rest, but it has diarrhea. snot diarrhea, and so i try to comfort my nose with another blow of cheap, scratchy tissues and a dosage of airborne...
i don't think my nose appreciates the cheap, Giant brand of tissues; and tells me in a snooty way that i should have gotten the puffs brand. the kind with lotion...
oh well you can't please every part of your body, but i don't kinda feel sorry for it.

anyways.. i have an observation to make. have you noticed the flood of "hi- i am- an-ugly-duckling- and i am really smart and really kind...but kinda not attractive....and there is this really hot guy... who is equally smart and nice....but wait he thinks i am geek.... oh just give me a couple of months... a gay friend who happens to be a stylist...and then i will be made over..and drop dead gorgeous...and the really hot, smart, kind guy falls in love.. and realizes the love of his life was right under his nose...disguised as the ugly duckling......" sort of generic stories, that has been infiltrating through the media.

i am sick of them. just sick... and cuz i don't have a gay friend who happens to be a stylist. and i think i look pretty good for what i got... i mean not now.. with my spastic nose. really, i don't know why i was so swept away by such stories. in the end, those stories taught NOTHING. the freaking guy always notices her only after she gets that fabulous makeover. so in the end, who knows if the guy would have ever noticed her unless she had changed her outerness.

why couldn't the guy just like her, for her. or notice her for her. i guess society is trying with likes of hairspray and sorta of with ugly betty.... and of coarse shrek (but fiona was still pretty in real life....wait she's animated...okay as an equally pretty voice played by attractive cameron diaz)

just keep her ugly. the ultimate love story would have to be the hot to fall for the not so hot.

i suppose, i find some hope... yesterday i was watching "whose wedding is it anyway" it is a reality wedding show about wedding planners. and one of the couple was bi-racial. the girl really not being that attractive, the guy looking quite nice. but they were so in LOVE, he was all over her. and it was purely refreshing to see this very good looking guy, caress and hug and kiss.. this lady who was clearly overweight, baggy eyes... and overall...you know (sorry i am being so judgy...i am not that far off from this lady.)
but he loved her and cared for, and was ready to do anything for her.

giving me a thought that YES! guys like that do exsist. they are OUT there, and i don't have to be the freaking fashion magazine assistant, who magically fits into size 2 couture gowns.

i will be me and all of me. and i will or he will find me too (with loads of help from the BIG MAN himself).

the links and shreks do dwell among us... sometimes us girls just gotta quite looking so inwardly on how we ourselves might appear to a guy.

there is my rant... and my nose cries for she is deeply moved.

the wind is blowing....and today was the first day i shivered when i went outside.
i can't wait when it gets so cold, that it hurts to breathe...

ps...
i think my rant was a result because i miss boys.
nursing school doesn't provide much interaction....
and today the med students came to eat free lunch at our school, and i was scoping the scenery out. blue scrubs makes any guys look incredibly approachable... and kinda hot

2007-10-10T19:46:00.000-07:00

i miss...
i miss certain words. i happen to really enjoy words.

i like saying words, and there are some words that are like honey rolling off my tongue. words like: lush, voluptuous, picante, magenta....

now new words like: acetaminophen, tetracycline, pluripothen... filter through my mind.

these words are in my vocabulary now...as well as words like memorize...documentation...evidence based practice....

i miss words...words like: reflect upon...describe...english...literature...legend of...

argh... it's raining again, hence my emo mandy reveals herself.

i ate today and cooked.

i like cooking....and one day i am going to have an amazing kitchen with stainless steel appliances...double ovens... and a walk in pantry. i promise myself that i will have every spice in the world on hand, and enough whole wheat pasta and tomotoes on hand to feed an army, and loads and loads of funfetti for the kids....(and me).

bye.

awkward elevators

2007-10-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

i find elevators to be quite awkward.
i was to list the most awkward places a person could be at...elevators would be right up there with peeing right next a perfect stranger or buying tampons and bumping into a cute guy you know.

it is an enclosed space, to close for comfort. when i am alone it is easy to burst into song or adjust my pants or burp...it is my own little comfortable bubble.
but as soon as that lovely stranger steps in, something happens to quickly that a dead weight of plain awkwardness leaves me gasping for air.

you don't know where to look, and everybody ends up staring at the little screen that tells us what floor we happen to be on. whoever invented this convenient piece of technology never figured that it would somehow make the user feel so socially out of it, and wished she had used the stairs.

i hate elevators. or maybe i hate sharing elevators.
i think i should have my own, we should all have our own. so that in any needed moment you can ride on and know for sure that some random person was not going to come in.
maybe i think of my elevator ride as being something of therapy and get annoyed when somebody seems to disrupt it.

i don't know...
but i am opting to take the stairs from now on, i can not handle this state of wierdness with something so simple as elevators.

sneaking on-line shopping....

2007-09-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

just became a victim again.
by oldnavy.com
they seem to have a really good sale on line right now, which means wasted time online. and my bankcard crying.

i limited myself to three items. one grey turtleneck, a jade colored trapeze dress, and a cute polka dot trapeze shirt.... i am really liking the fall selections for fashion this year.

empire waistlines make me think of "pride and prejudice" and they elegantly hide my tummy, while giving me some more definition to what little boobage i have.
and trapeze dresses are just cute.. with alot of body room.

the colors make me happy... and for one brief moment i am looking forward to colder weather. which means snug and cozy clothes, scarves, and boots. i need a new pair by the way.
one less excuse to shave, but then again one more HUGE excuse to start applying lotion everyday. poo.

that brief moment of wanting change will pass soon, and then i will be grumbling and moaning about the treacherous freeze that is going to fall upon us in no time at all.
and then be whining for summer breezes and short sleeves to come back.
but till then i will enjoy every moment of my non-shaving season...boots...and jumpers.

ps...
fish i got a plaid jumper and i LOVE it.... i was going to get another from old navy but restrained myself.

2007-09-27T19:02:00.001-07:00

it is raining right now. the rain is sweet right now, real sweet.
sweet rain is the best, when one is pondering over the things of life and feeling emo.

i was never a harsh emo. but there are some small inkling bits of emo tendencies that lie within in me. if you give me some sappy music, rain, and some time alone to muse...it gives me the perfect recipe for my darker side to emerge.

my emo side would want to write poetry, knit in crazy colors, and live in new york. it would want to open up a coffee shop, and write books, and be well rounded in all areas of life. my emo side... lets call her MANDY would want to see every inch of Europe and become an art history major. Mandy would then have a style of a boho chic, who drank organic coffee, and had a colorful array of peasant skirts...Mandy would always long for rain and made sure that she was a florist/ jewelery designer/ mommy/ gardener/ artist of a girl.
i think Mandy took a huge part of my life in highschool.

now i am Sofy... the practical nursing side. who can not wait to work in a hospital. The one who seems to have most of her life figured out in aspects to her future life, with regards to a career.

everything is set, no surprises.

sometimes i scare myself. where did my free-spirited less practical, more of a dreamer side go? i never used to be like this. but as i get older, i don't know sometimes if i am just losing myself, or just getting older.
when did i stop thinking about opening up a coffee shop that was just like whit's end?
when did i become so Boring...? There seems to be no more surprises.
i want to be surprised again. i want to pretend and make believe again.

i am afraid sometimes that i may be losing my childlike enthusiasm for life, that i may end up regret. does that every make any sense at all?

i hate growing up.
why AM i so dang EMo today?

PMS??? maybe.... but it's too early.
i did cry twice today for the ugly betty and grey's anatomy episodes....

and i ate a tub of caramel pecan ice-cream.
i pig. me pig....

i may be slightly ADHD

2007-09-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

why is ever so hard for me to concentrate on studying?

sometimes. this stuff seems so uninteresting and boring.

how did i ever survive college, with the study skills of an eight year old.

i sigh to my self, a hundred million times over.

i am going to eat pho tonight, that makes me happy.

i am a very unproductive person.

first post

2007-09-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

i am here.
because i was fed up with the whole world reading my xanga.

i want to be able to write again as freely and as expressively as i want to. and not be worried about offending someone or being judged by someone i know... or plainly stated cuz my family reads my xanga entries.

sometimes i wish i was a lit. major or majored in some sort of language. nursing and science skills can be a grand bore.

i wish i only learned things that i like learning about.

i hunger for some good books and amazing pasta.

yadayadayada goes my heart...