Frozen in time

Yesterday the better part of the night was spent in reading old xanga entries.

there were moments of pure laughter, moments of regrets, and moments of awe in seeing where i am in life right now. that xanga encompassed about 3 years of my life, i was a very faithful blogger.

but somewhere down the road the magic died and the surge of delight i had when it came to expressing myself by punching with ambition on a computer keyboard kind of faded away.

so i thought, i would start again.

and maybe revamp my site again. also to make it public that i have blogspot, i realized the reason i loved blogging before was that a majority of my joy stemmed from the fact that i was writing for somebody to read. after i made this "secret" blog there was no one to write to.

so here i go again.

sitting at a barnes and noble on the second floor.

jazz music is playing in the background and a couple next time has a conversation in a foreign tongue. the sound of pages being turned and the occasional cellphone spewing out a ringtone.

i look out the window to watch people milling around, milling around to the soundtrack of life.

electric snowflakes suspended in the air, to declare the time of overspending and panic rushed emotions of holidays is drawing ever near.

cars crawling with their headlights brightly lit, and for one brief second frozen in time, everything.

mini weekend trip

my first week of work is over.

it included loads of sitting around and people lecturing about how wonderful it is to work for this institution. they kind of brainwashed me and i am actually starting getting excited about work. four days of handouts, information, and computer training.

friday is the day off and my next two weeks look like MTTH and MTW...

whoo hoo weekends are totally belonging to me.

this weekend i am off to spend some time in our national's capital.

friday hopefully playing with some beloved friends.

and then saturday i give to myself as i venture out on my own to see the museums and ride the subways.

one more thing i am committing to myself is to not limit myself to explorations because i have no one else to do it with. who cares if i am by myself hehehe...

i should just go for it...

this also made me think about doing one social experiment, that i will perform and write about.

more to come later.

have a lovely weekend folks, stay warm, and do one creative thing a day.

post

Essentially I have been meaning to write.

it was just last week where i sat at my computer, poised ready for rapid typing.

however it fell short, when i realized i hated my idea of "ABCs" of my life. realizing that the topics i wanted to write about were a bore, quite personal, and could be downright depressing.

maybe some other time.

so today was the start of first day of orientation.... after all the hooblah and drama over my nursing board exams... passing... all G-L-O-R-Y goes to GOD.

and then relishing my final week before orientation... which included loads of sleeping in, olympics, one 1000 piece puzzle, jewelery making, friends, food, cheesecake...and a fasting retreat.

i walk out of the house today in utter peace and confidence of what the next stage of my life will bring. it is so fresh...and new...and awesome. the best part about it is coming home... and NOT having to worry about a test/project/paper/reading/online discussions/ the evening belongs to me.

it is the honeymoon stage of adult life as i know it, and i am savoring every tasty moment.

more posts to come...

ps... about my guitaring. the guitar still stands untuned in the corner of my room. i have this morbid fear of trying to tune it. and having the string slice my finger or twang my eyeball out.

i am thinking of switching to something more sane...like a ukelele (sp?) cute and small with only four strings.

who knows.

rainy day... better than any snowy day.

signing out,

Sofia Kim, R (freaking) N. RN

apologizing

i am in the midst of writing and starting my new blog self with the ABC's of my life.

however with the upcoming nursing exams/board, i can't.

i have been a bad studier for the past couple of weeks. and in the midst of those two weeks i have realized that i am a horrible studier and will never be a scholar.

i am bored of it already.

i have about 4 days till the actual test, and i am meaning to isolate myself from home or from friends, from life in general till that friday i take it.

please loads of prayersSSSSSS!!! i need them.

till them stay warm and toasty.

ps. ginger i think u shud grow your hair along with me. i am dying to chop it off too, but at the same time know that i will regret it. so lets be hair growing accountability partners. hahaha we can chop it off together in the summerish time.

love ya.

peace out.

- hugs and more hugs, sofy

New Writing Project...

My fingers are itching to write, to type, and in a sense to express an explosion of feelings and emotions and thoughts and experiences. Maybe it is the transitions period that i am slowing being eased into...eased into at an incredibly quick rate. It is like suddenly my mind and my heart is opened to things and senses other than nursing school. i am really living out a new chapter of my life and it scares me at the same time it makes me feel more alive than i have in a long time.

life is in front me and the possibilities are endless and there are new adventures for me to explore. therefore changes must be implemented and my thought process have to go beyond what i have clung to in the past 4-5 years of my life. and i have decided that even if there might not be others willing to go on my journey me, it's okay.

the changes include things i have always wanted to do... and to DO them with no excuses!

the very first of them being a blogger. i want to be a blogger once again. i had the glory days in xanga and then it died down once the audience became too big for me. too big that i had to be precise about what i wrote and expressed.

so blogging.

the second thing i am determined to do is to learn to play the guitar. i have one getty dusty in my room i can't even tell if it needs tuning. i am musically challenged and have a voice of my teenage boy going through puberty. but i want to be a girl who can strum the guitar with gusto, out of pure enjoyment.

so guitaring.

the third thing is to explore my surrounding neighborhoods. i have realized now more than ever that i love locality, i love communities, i love little quaint shops and resturants that only the natives know about, i want to discover secrets. i especially want to find b&b, which are loves of my life. i want to fall in love with where i live, and not be impatient to get out of here.

so exploring.

the list can go on and on. but for now these are the most practical ones i know that i can handle for now.

that is all i have to say for now.

and in regards to blogging and my title...

i am going to experiment with different writing ideas and approaches. because for writing i need some sort of inspiration/a kickstart to get me going.

so for this first experiment i am going to try doing the ABC's of my life. Going down the alphabet and writing about one thing starting with that letter could be a great start to my blogging journey.

sorry this post was all over the place and random and not cohesive at all.

i had word vomit and my fingers couldn't stop typing.

so here goes everything. please keep me in check if my posts begin lagging.

surrendering,

i am suddenly feeling as if a giant cavemen has come out of the blue and punched me in the face with the stick of reality. the nclex is coming quite near and i ended up out of sheer nervousness delaying my test date from February 1st to the 5th.

i talked myself into this, because there were no other dates to reschedule to and i was sick for about three days. which meant that i lost about three precious days to cram even more crazy knowledge into my already overwhelmed brain.

in spite of all this nervousness and crazy, God has been telling me awesome stuff. that HE is BIGGER, the BIGGEST thing out there and that HE is on my SIDE. i was really wrestling with the whole issue of dropping the test date for another. praying about and trying not to take action because I want to be in control and not allowing God to be in utter and total control of my life.

in the end it seemed that God wanted me to know "it didn't really matter, what test date i chose"

assuming that FOUR extra days was NOT to make much of a difference on a human level. MY DADDY, MY GOD is on my side. it's in moments like this where i learn the most about surrendering to HIM.

"...The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

hooHA.!

Victorious Waiting.

the first few weeks of any new year, keeps in at a bliss at being able to start afresh with a slate that has hardly been touched, written on, or even clouded with bits of chalk dust.

i used to make new year's resolutions when i was younger, things pertaining to weight, exercise, being nice, Bible reading. and every year i miserably failed.

after about the second year of high school, i no longer saw the need to make a new goal in my life where i could only end up in failure.

this year however was different. after my last week of 2009 was rocked by the Urbana conference.

ending the year and starting the year with a bang. God began to do some revealing within me. he did some major revealing when it came to the area of my life where i needed to really work on.

patience. as i get older i have become to realize the truth about myself.

i am freaking impatient.

and as i become more busy with life and more involved and more just out there. i expect fast, quick results. i hate waiting. it could be anything, waiting in line for checkout. i can give really dirty looks when the cashier is just a tad bit slow. or waiting for things to pan out in my life, so that i can go overseas and see the world.

i hate waiting for my amazon purchases to come into the mail and i hate waiting for things to start. i would rather be late than to wait.

i want results now, i want answers now, i want to be tended to NOW.

God revealed this ugly side of me, with tenderness and a bit of amusement as he said, "you need to relax girl"

why was i in such a hurry? maybe it is my mkness of always going and doing. or the fact that i want to do so much.

but God says wait and to enjoy the process. wait to go overseas, wait to meet your future husband, wait in line at giant, wait for the nclex test to come, wait for miracles to happen, wait.

and with this new revelation birthed my new year's resolution this year.

Victorious Waiting.

waiting is an act of Obedience that is shown again and again in the Bible.

- Jesus waited THIRTY years before he began his ministry.

- Mary and Martha had to wait FOUR days after the death of their brother, for Jesus to come.

-Abraham waited more than who KNOWS maybe EIGHTY years before he got his beloved son

- Noah waited in the ark for 370 days, can you imagine with all that nasty animal poop, let alone it took him at the absolute most 100 years to actually build the ark.

- Jonah waited in the belly of a SMELLY FISh for THREE days.

and the list just goes on and on of people in the Bible, who were commended for their ultimate Waiting Skills.

Therefore I will Wait, and pray that in Waiting I can Be Victorious.

that by Waiting God will mold me and show me even greater things that i have only yet to imagine. that waiting is a GOOD thing.

so here i go to wait upon the Lord for He is Good.

snapshots of my room

being inspired my fish's post about her room, here are some clicks of mine

welcome to my much loved, much slept in, and lived in, and cried in, and danced in room

. just the bottom floor with my collage of ireland

my bed it is really high and i have to climb unto it every night. however it is so comfy.

not really made, since i was doing my work there that day. plus my israel collage on the wall.

other side of my window... random memorbilia... the purse is from indonesia and my dragonfly mobile i had since h.s. my yearbooks... i love this corner.

corner after my desk.. with my calender and my jewlery stand, since i am obessessed with shiny things....

My desk quite messy, with my famous DKNY kissing poster i had it since h.s., my handy fridge, another korean kite, and my shelves of memory... consisting of everything from a japanese coke bottle, to geisha doll, to books, and african drums...i spend a lot of time here.

my bulletin board...my secret man wall.. which consists of david beckman because accents and soccer equals hot, rocky because he is awesome, john k. from the office because he is the cutest guy ever lived, and my gangsta poster... (it says all my life I always knew i wanted to be a gangster)

clothes rack and my kite from korea... i still don't want to let go of my fan. so it's still hanging out there.

super tired, but happy

today my nurse preceptor gave me the best comment that i could ever want.

when talking to her about my secret desires to be a flight nurse and work shock trauma.

i never felt confident enough, and i never knew how i would react in emergent situations. in situation in high stress.... i get scared that i would totally freak out.

but yesterday watching discovery health shock trauma... and seeing the nurse riding the helicopter with a guy who had a sliced artery made my mouth drooooool with anxiety. and they get wear RED jumpsuits.

i was explaining all of this to my preceptor, how i was not confident enough....and i think i may be a spazz ball.

but she told me "no sofia. you will stay calm. you are a very calm person.. you would do great at that..."

REALLYY!???????????

the nicest thing i have heard from somebody i really respect.

maybe i can be a freaking shock trauma nurse... and ride helicopters.

update on life....

i am going to try really hard, uber hard to update.
to blog... to share...to express...

how many times this year have a i started a blog post... only to delete and promise to write better and MORE next time.
here is the promise now.

UPDATE:

School:

To all seniors who told me that this was the easiest semester, go and flush yourselves down the toilet. This has so far been the most taxing, the workload doesn't make any sense... mixed with the insane bouts of senioritis has made me want to SCREAM "ENOUGH ALREADY WITH STUPID TESTS, and fake quizzes, and GROUP projects..."

this semester is the year of DRAMA in the group projects, a whole lot of crazy caddiness.

but the beautiful thing that pulls me back from wanting to sleep till this semester is over, is the amazing fact that i am almost done!!! Done, done, done, done, done, done.....

and it's wierd, feeling the way i do when i am on the hospital floor putting up IV, giving shots, testing PIV without a thought in the world... not being scared of patients anymore and actually sounding intelligent in front of doctors.

it scares me and yet excites me. and also hits me everytime at even though there is so much i do know, there is a vast amount of stuff i still DO NOT know.

but i am almost done, and i will learn all that i need to know. its going to be great i know it and completely strange when soon instead of saying "hold on, let me ask the nurse..."

realizing that.... "I AM THE NURSE..."

BE THE NURSE.

Church:

officially i am focus now and no longer in the impact world.

which makes me sad and a bit lost and a bit lonely. you work hard to make your friendships and it gets a bit sad to start all over again. so focus is focus for now, nothing much to say there since i have been too busy to really do much with them.

however timothy has been awesome... fully checked in with the timothy girls and friday night girls' only prayer meetings before friday night have been amazing.

i see so much of myself in these girls... and it makes my heart ache even more to show them "that they have awesome potential in the kingdom of God... and so much more"

Seeing the little bit of change in them week by week, encourages me to say "yes LORD, do as you want with me in their lives..."

Work:

work at the financial aid office at school is normal. i do folders and now have been promoted to front desk. i have to answer the phones now and have to listen to crazy students on the entire issue of finances.. touchy touchy subject.

no change there...

trips:

urbana 2009

clubs:

i am now a lifetime fitness memeber.. muhahahahah. i am a gymer... gyming is my game.

shows:

glee---- amazing....

flash forward--- partly due to john cho... and then the story line is kind of intense and crazy

greys--- only because i have been watching it for so long

ugly betty---- only because she is FINALLY a feature editor

sytycd--- duhhhh so that i can drool over the dances and feel sad because i can't move like that

current status:

major girl moment... meaning lots of crying watching cheesy commercials and lack of concentration on paper that is due tomorrow.

smacking my watermelon flavored gum and wondering how in the world is the paper going to take shape.

making excuses in my head that writing in my blog will help me... get ready to write my paper for tonight.

i love it when wednesdays are OVER.

you guys all should keep pestering me to keep on updating

till tomorrow is over... have a pleasant moment this week which includes sweet surprises, yummy smelling things, and lots of sunshine.

Blogging from word

Testing.. blogging from word.

Hoping that this works.

finding the part i lost

i guess on more elaboration on what my trip to Ireland did for me.
it opened me up again to the world of history, books, poetry, and oldness.

growing up in high school i was the idealistic girl. i was the dreamer, the romanticist, the lover of scandalous history. i craved the stories of the monarchs, the wars, and the poetry lines that would move me. i was passionate and seeked it.
then college came along, took a couple of history and art appreciation classes here and there. but with the decision to go into nursing, i found myself strapped onto the sciences/ critical thinking boat.
once nursing school came along, i slipped away into the world of common sense, numbers, medicine...the rules and scheduling of nursing school is so rigid and structured. that sometimes i found it so hard to breathe, i didn't realize that something was missing from me.

it was like a huge part of me was snuffed out because i was so focused on succeeding in this aspect of my life.

Ireland opened me up again. it made me hungry again and passionate for the history. it made me crave once again for the smell of old books, yearn for the sight of buildings with stories, it made me want to read poetry again.
its delightful, this feeling. like i was suddenly liberated, to learn what i always wanted to learn.
so i am back... checking out books... reading on books... especially since i brought back eight antiquarian books... the thrill of reading poetry within those binded volumes makes me want to cry.
that was another thing Ireland made me realize: i love antiques and i love books.

the idea that object or book was an intricate part of another person's life gives me chills. especially books... in a time before radios, computers, internet, and phones the thing that moved people and help people get lost into another world was books. the books i purchased was all loved, read, and cared for by another person and it makes me all giddy inside knowing that i own a piece of history.

i sigh in contentment...

one day i will have a beauty and beast like library, complete with rolling ladders.

antique shops here i come!

ireland

so the last day of ireland has finally come. i don't want to leave, but reality calls.

on this trip was i not only able to rebond with close friends and make lasting memories.... but it made me thirst more for the culture and history of europe.

i love history and old books... and stories.. i love old archtecture and csstles, and victorian homes.

this just made me realize that i must see the rest of europe before anything else.

i like wandering and within the last ouple of days i was able to wander the streets of dublin finding all sorts of funky shops... lots of old books... and just wonder on my part.
blurb....
onto america

busy...

there are a host of things to do.
when i say "host" i think of my list of things... i think of each thing having a face and a name begging for my attention... "hello don't forget about me...!" "I am due in 24 hours what the heck are you doing?" "you haven't looked into me yet, write me down right now.."
that is why there are a host, a group of things who are grabbing at me to get them done. when will it be no longer a "host of things", an angry mob...but just a few quiet friends.

i am tired, really really tired. moments like these is when i should be crying out to Jesus. however, i do this everytime i shove him to the corner. "God i will deal with you later, can't you see i have a project due, i have tests, i have to go to the bank, i can't keep my eyes opened, you understand right?"
and God quietly, sadly goes to that corner and waits for me.
shouldn't it be when the "angry host of things" comes chasing after me, i should stand behind HIM almighty savior??

it's my nature, it's human nature to want to be left alone with "the host of things" to bring them down one at a time with my own strength. maybe that is why i am so tired, so exhausted. i box HIM up and open HIM up when i find it convenient for my time.
HE should be left unopened, without any boundaries all the time. that way i can see the magnitude of who HE really is, that HE is my shepherd, my SHIELD, HE can knock off any bunch of "angry hosts" and only use HIS thumb.
i don't remember being this zapped of energy, being so hungry for sleep.
God, i know it's insulting, for me to say this... but can you come out of your corner. come out in all of your hulkness and supermaness and help me to overcome. through you there is strength and peace... through you i find myself rising on the wings of dawn. through you i dance without tiring, through you i find my everlasting joy!
through YOU, through YOU, through YOU!!

the more i seek you, the more i find you

sometimes i wonder if in heaven we all get our own montages... or if we die and our lives our shown on that silver clouded screen, a very personal montage with all the beautiful and "it's so you" soundtracks pop up.
i have been reminiscing alot lately, maybe due to the fact that i am distracting myself from studying.. or the snow fall today makes me quiet my heart down.

one thing that has been upon my heart recently is "missing God".
and this is not a missing God- of being i am falling away, i need him in my life, save me from the depths of despair... but the missing him even more, as i get to know him even more.
how can i explain this longing in more heart? not being satisfied, as i delve in deeper my heart aches more for Him. it is like my spirit is craving for more.

and then i began to think about it, where did all this longing come from? this might sound Crazzeee or retarded... but a thought came to me and i am going to share it.

personally, i think that long ago before we were born, we were with God. As God was creating us and "knitting us" in our mother's womb we were with him. our spirits were with him, and it communed with him, shared moments with him, and i think those moments was when our spirit and God was having that indescribable relationship of Creator and Creation.
Once God creates us, our spirit is placed within that earthly body and we are sent, we are born, we come alive here on earth.
As we grow and live, that spirit grows and lives with the world and we forget. We forget those tender moments with the almighty one, we forget the meaning of communing with God, we forget. however, i believe that as moments such as this, the spirit can also remember.

and maybe that is what my spirit is doing, remembering, longing to be with the one and only God. glimpses of heaven longing, tastes of the everlasting makes me desire even more. who can imagine what it will be like when all is said and done, and we get those moments with our Abba Father. And those moments will last forever and ever.

so i miss God, as i search more, feel more, dive deeper-- realizing i barely scratched the surface to His heart for me.

this song WOW so simple, yet it says everything i want to say to Him.

have a week filled with His awesome presence and Grace...

pondering instead of studying...

i was thinking about things the other day... deep philosophical things. when people first meet me, they don't get that impression that i think alot. i put off this front that my life is all about disney, cartoons, and color. but there are moments when i sit and ponder about everything. and on this particular evening i was thinking about what Wisdom was. i don't know why, but we always pray for Wisdom, we want to be wise, and we look upon the old sages with admiration...

so i began to think and break down what wisdom means to me...

What is wisdom? i think wisdom is the ability to have a teachable heart at all times. It the ability to in whatever situation positive or negative, extract nuggets of truth and learning points. Wise people are able to take these nuggets and treasure them in their hearts, sharing them with others who might have gone through the same situations. Wise people are continual learners. Wisdom is broken down to three things: discernment, teachable heart, and good boundaries.
I think that "good boundaries" is something that we tend to forget in regards to wisdom and wise sages. But these people have the ability know these boundaries in the way they talk, they way they act, and the way they think.
A wise person has excellent boundaries, and it takes wisdom to develop these boundaries.
Wisdom doesn't come in explosions, but in a gradual moments. we don't notice but God drops wisdomful moments for us all the time. we just need to walk around with our hearts and hands opened to catch them when He does.

that is my piece for this week.

hope it made you think.
- sofs

from the mouth of babes... part 2

(1.) watching ellen drink some water, and see it dribble down her cheek. she does not
bother to wipe it..
Me: "wipe your mouth, girl you look like one of my stroke patients."
ellen: " what's a stroke?"
ellie: "you know something in your brain thing..."
Me: " you know a stroke.. (trying to explain.)
ellen: with a serious expression "are you trying to curse me right now?"
WHat the heck.? hahahaha

(2). Me: "thomas jefferson wasn't a christian."
ellen: "huh... did he go to the other place?" meaning hell.... she was shocked out of her mind.

(3.) glo and i threw a surprise party for elena.. after the commotion and the balloons and cupcakes.... we were just sitting totally zoned out so tired.. surrounded by the mess around us.

ellen comes marching down with a scarf around her head...
"why are you guys acting like hobos.. just sitting here..."
i don't know why but it made me laugh...

(4.) shasha and elo just came back from school. i was sitting on the floor talking to elo about her day. and then sha sha comes over.

shasha: "elo can you sit near the bathroom and talk to me while i poop?" (totally seriously)
elo: "No!" and then stomps away
shasha to me: "can you please sit there while i poop..."
me: "sure why not shasha."

so i sit there right next to the bathroom... talking to a boy who is grunting while he poops. his bathroom door is opened.. cuz he refuses to close it. and we talk about his day. i laugh silently. poor boy i think he gets scared pooping by himself.

i had to leave to tend to something so i tell sha sha bye...
later i hear elo and sha sha making jokes... and having a conversation. for about 30 min...

i yell back.."stop fooling around and poop!!! totally serious
glo starts to crack up...

another moment...
every time shasha has to fart.. he gets this funny face.. then says "uh oh." then lets it rip. these kids not a meal goes by when fart, or poop, or diarrhea somehow gets into the convo... oh the joys.

i love these kids.
but today was hard. and it is still hard its so different... i always loved youth. but working with youth at church is sooo different than living with one.
not going to elaborate, but today i was really disappointed and mad for the first time at a person's actions. at a loss for the first time...

my adventures of being a texan housemom is almost coming to a close.

till next time.

- mama sof

from the mouth of babes...

(1.) Glo: "Be still woman.." (as she works on elo's hairs, she is the youngest)
Elo: "I am not a woman."
Glo: "Why not?"
Elo: "Because i don't have boobs yet.." cute impish smile...
---cutie pie---

(2.) Me: "I had a dream that i was helping a lady deliver a baby?"
Ellen: "Isn't that what corks do?" (2nd oldest)
Me and Glo: "Corks? what the heck are corks?"
Ellie: "YOU MEAN STORKS????" (she is the eldest)
Ellen: "YEah storks..."
glo and i laughing in the background...

(3.) Me: "Elena (the 3rd) can you please open the blinds.."
Ellen: "Yeah do it maiddd."
Elena: "I am not your maid..."
Me: "Ellen! be nice.!"
Ellen: "GOSH, haven't you ever played PRETEND?!" she yelled this actually... whatever i do i can never really mad at this blunt, tough, totally honest chica...
like you were pretending... so not she was lounging on the couch watching disney channel.

(4.) Elisha: "are we going to play charades tonight?"
Me and Glo: "Maybe, We'll see" (technically meaning not really.."
Elisha: " i don't like those words.. like "maybe" and "we'll see" that
means we are not going to do it."
awww... right on brother. and we ended up not we were too tired.

(5.) the telephone rings.. and caller id says it is a church lady.
Ellen: "Don't pick up the phone, she talks too much."
Me: "Ellen, that's rude..." while i pick up the phone
While i am talking to this ahjimma... i am fending off ellen and her 1.2 comments...trying to shush her.. things like..
"don't invite her kids over."
"hang up the phone"
"don't tell her anything..."
HAHAHAHAHAHA.... and after about 15 mins. later after i hang up the phone.
"Ellen what is your problem.."
Ellen: "Doesn't she talk alot, that's why my mom never picks up when she calls..."

(6.) Me: "Who in your family has your dad's humor?"
Elena: "What's a sumor?"
All of us: "Huh?, a sumor?"
Elena: "What's that?"
Me: "you mean dad's humor?"

(7.) Me and Glo laughing uproariously while the kids are doing their work.
Ellen: "Can you please lower your laughter..." in a valley accent.

there are so much more than this... especially with the youngest since she can't pronounce her "r" properly. but i can't seem to remember.
i laugh everyday, at these innocents.
hope this makes some of your day.

"i pooped in my undawer!"

last night the kids were unusually rowdy... or maybe they were always like this i am just getting more tired. they were actually a bit cranky, making mean faces every 1.2 seconds and talking back to comments their siblings had said. dinner was all about either me or glo saying "stop it guys, be nice....".

so i lost my patience... "bed time at 8:30 tonight" and then we rearranged the sleeping arrangements. the younger three were sleeping together in mom's bed.. shuffled that around...and rearranged to help elongate sleep time and diminish talk time.

after dinner was there i was exhausted. so tired, but my night was quickly made by clamoring and screaming. earlier i had sent the younger three to showers, there was a whole lot of screaming and fighting over which shower to use. there was some peace until i hear
"_________ pooped in my un-da-wer!"...

"uhhhhh WHAT?!" where a huge part of me was thinking you are wayyy to old to be doing that... i go upstairs to find poop childbutt naked doing some wierd spread eagle position... " my ddonggo itches and it hurt..." child said in a serious tone.

i try to keep a straight face. i turn the shower on and command him to go in there... and then i say in a straight face
"okay child... get in the shower. wash your ddongo with lots of soap and rinse with lots of water. and child.. DO NOT USE THE LOOFAH... do you understand me?"

that was followed by a serious nod.

i roll down the stair laughing, i can't hold myself.
during this process the youngest so excited by all the chaos comes running down in just a t-shirt. i chase child back upstairs to find no proper undergarments and two butt cheeks saying hello to me as child screams its way into the shower.

for a moment there i thought i was in a episode of john and kate plus eight. and then there was moment of realization that i used the word "ddonggo" in a serious sentence/conversation. so i laughed uproarioisly, kids do say the darnest things.

when undawer child was done, these words.."my ddonggo feels much better now, i used lots of water."

good job.. i am proud of you.
after that the kids all watched an episode of tom and jerry... and cracked up at those old cartoons.. the sames ones i used to watch. i love that purity and sweetness about these kids, about all kids.
i collapsed into bed at around 9:40 and was out cold.

tomorrow is saturday!!! get to sleep in.
i hope that this story brought some joy to someone.

why...?

i am beginning to slowly open up to the idea of expressing myself on blog again.
it's like finding an old toy, realizing at how much you missed it. you take it out, blow the dust off of it, and see if it still works.... meaning i wonder if i still have my writing skills down.

life has turned into routine. i do the wake up calls... which i enjoy. i realized that if i have enough sleep than i am a total morning person. and i love the mornings when the two younger ones are quiet and sleepy. i am enjoying this whole time, very very much.

so i sit here and contemplate. i think about how life is so unexpected and mysterious. how no matter how hard you try you realize everyday that you are not in control. i wondered and pondered on why i am here in texas. why i am here, when my best and closest friend was going through the worst days of her life? why couldn't i be there for her? i wanted to leave everything and just take a plane to just be with her. why did it pan out like this? my heart so burdened and choking back tears to be strong for her, when i heard her shaky voice over the phone.

and the questions come pouring into my heart. the reason God, i want the reason... why? why am i here, why is she there? why right now? why this family? God, why? we question as people, and yearn for the answer to: why? why? why?

as the "why?" questions pile up, the answers don't. why God? why?

and as i sit here while this question resounds within me...silence.
than...
"be still and know that I am God...be still, be still, be still..." and suddenly it feels as if a gentle hand reaches into my heart and extracts all those "whys?" scattering them across the breeze.
"be still and know that i am God..."
"yes, God, i will try."
it's hard not to be totally free from asking "why?"...
but the removing of most of them, makes room for the peace.

so the answer to all the "whys?"... i don't know. i don't know why i am here and she is there. i don't know why it was at this moment. i don't know. i don't know.
however, it's going to be okay. she is going to be okay.

conclusion... i love you friend so much. and my heart and throat has lumps because i feel your pain. i don't have any answers, but know that i am here for you. it's okay to ask "why?"... i have to end this post before i end up bursting into tears in front of the kids.
here is my virtual shoulder to cry on. lovelove, fiat.