why...?

i am beginning to slowly open up to the idea of expressing myself on blog again.
it's like finding an old toy, realizing at how much you missed it. you take it out, blow the dust off of it, and see if it still works.... meaning i wonder if i still have my writing skills down.

life has turned into routine. i do the wake up calls... which i enjoy. i realized that if i have enough sleep than i am a total morning person. and i love the mornings when the two younger ones are quiet and sleepy. i am enjoying this whole time, very very much.

so i sit here and contemplate. i think about how life is so unexpected and mysterious. how no matter how hard you try you realize everyday that you are not in control. i wondered and pondered on why i am here in texas. why i am here, when my best and closest friend was going through the worst days of her life? why couldn't i be there for her? i wanted to leave everything and just take a plane to just be with her. why did it pan out like this? my heart so burdened and choking back tears to be strong for her, when i heard her shaky voice over the phone.

and the questions come pouring into my heart. the reason God, i want the reason... why? why am i here, why is she there? why right now? why this family? God, why? we question as people, and yearn for the answer to: why? why? why?

as the "why?" questions pile up, the answers don't. why God? why?

and as i sit here while this question resounds within me...silence.
than...
"be still and know that I am God...be still, be still, be still..." and suddenly it feels as if a gentle hand reaches into my heart and extracts all those "whys?" scattering them across the breeze.
"be still and know that i am God..."
"yes, God, i will try."
it's hard not to be totally free from asking "why?"...
but the removing of most of them, makes room for the peace.

so the answer to all the "whys?"... i don't know. i don't know why i am here and she is there. i don't know why it was at this moment. i don't know. i don't know.
however, it's going to be okay. she is going to be okay.

conclusion... i love you friend so much. and my heart and throat has lumps because i feel your pain. i don't have any answers, but know that i am here for you. it's okay to ask "why?"... i have to end this post before i end up bursting into tears in front of the kids.
here is my virtual shoulder to cry on. lovelove, fiat.

so i have some time now.
and here are some of my reflections on being a mother of five.... trial run.

i have always and still do want five kids, at least. and now experiencing this trail run of taking care of my five cousins for the next two weeks... prove to be an excellent trial run.

observation number one:
in the back of my mind, i am always thinking about is food... what to make next? can they eat it? how much to make? ingredients? so far i went to supertarget every day... because we were running out of milk, tomatoes... or now i need orange juice. what am i going to feed these kids? and these kids... bless their hearts eat ALOT. i love that... i hope that my future five children have healthy and hearty appetites.

observation number two:
i think my heart got bigger, to accommodate the hugs and kisses. i am not really a touchy touchy sort of person. but when it comes to little people, kisses and hugs are like life's bandaids and words of encouragements. i didn't think i could smooch those pudgy little cheeks or ask for "huggys"....

observation number three:
somehow when kids' daily lives are in your hands, you are in full alert mode. getting up at 6:30 every morning to wake up the little ones for school... so cute. their sleepy faces makes it worthwhile for me to drag myself out of warm bed, into dark cold air. besides in the morning i emptied the dishwasher, make breakfast, fed, washed the kids, wash last night pots and pans, make more breakfast for the older kids.... , find shoes, zip up jackets.. scurry off drop off point at school... so much to do in the morning. if i was in md right now, my sorry butt will still be in bed snoring away. plus, i had a dream last night that i had completely forgot to take elisha and eloise to school. and i woke up at 5:30 freakin out.

observation number four:
it's all good, having five kids. i love it. but realizing more and more, it is so necessary to have an OLDER aka.. father figure aka. husband person in the household. not that i don't feel safe with my other girl cousin and me, just i think i would feel more secure. and we def. had some moments of struggle with the uber large trashcans, getting lost, and opening spaghetti jars. NOT that i would ever have five kids without aka. a husband. but i didn't realize the important of having that "man of the household" thing, until now.

observation number five:
five seems like alot, but once you get used to it. well i am used to it now, a couple more would be totally fine with me. i don't think a couple more could hurt at all actually. it makes life more fun, and we were actually able to play games and have fun because we had enough people. therefore, five is beautiful. five plus two adults can fit into one minivan perfectly. but, i wouldn't totally NOT mind more.

observation number six:
i look like crap, but i don't care. it's all about practicality and comfort. sweats and glasses. i would rather have the kids looking neat and clean, than me. wierd...

i am done.. i am going to chill and play some DS.
tonights... dinner.... drumsticks. with roasted taters...and corn.

a long time ago...

yeah so i am going to try really hard and post.

things have happened since my last post... GOD is good.

all the fighting and pushing was worth it and there was something at the end.
God is worth fighting for i figured out.
He is so worth it.

other than that.
thanksgiving was all about the food.
and being with family. i am a family girl... in the end i just need my family.
family and food makes my world turn... and of coarse God.

pushing and fighting through

this is the continuation and further detail of the last post.
so this here the honest and cold truth... that my life right now is in that moment of dry season. that time when you try and you push but nothing seems to give. i felt like God was incredibly distant and even i did not have that desire to pursue any longer. i was bent, stretched, and exhausted. and for one brief moment i was comfortable. i didn't feel like moving and i didn't.
however, if you have tasted the chase of God and if you know the experience of passionate pursuit of God then life in itself feels remarkably empty.
and that is how i felt exactly for the past month, e-m-p-t-y.
void...dark...bottomless...unsatisfied...e-m-p-t-y.

so then i turned my face back to that distant, blurry face of God and cried out. expecting that God would swoop down like He has done all the other times and save me from that "miry clay". but this time there was no superman cape or the feeling of lightness when one is being rescued. things only seemed to get darker.

and as i began to search through prayer and through the word, two things kept on coming up. Fighting and Pushing through. being who i am, i know that i can be very sensitive to God's presence, things like renewing of the heart, hearing from God, and being able to feel cry out in utter groans for the kingdom of God came very naturally to me. however, this time around it was the exact opposite. i felt like God was saying...
"Sof, you have had it easy. you really want this? do you really want it, then come and get it. come and push through, fight for it. fight for the revival for your heart, i know it's hard but i am trying to teach you a lesson. am i worth the fight? are you willing to fight for me to keep Me as the center of your life?"

at first i said "yes", but as time went on the fighting and pushing just got harder and harder. "how much longer!" i groan. "where are you?" i whine.
mind you after that conversation, i felt like God was so far, oh so far. i was beginning to lose hope, when yesterday my forgotten letter came.

it was a letter that i had written to myself, from devotion on the ocean in may 2008. i completely forgotten about it, and the church out of all the months decided to send it a week ago. 5 months ago...i had written to myself when i was in a primal time with sweet, intimate moments with God. the whole letter is typical... until the last paragraph.. when tears began to well up in my eyes

"Sofia, just remember that God is faithful, He cares so much for you, and God loves you so much. Please remember to be passionate, about God's work and don't be swayed by the lies of the enemies who will try and make you feel doubtful, fearful, and insecure..."
right there, it doesn't seem like much, nothing profound. but at that moment God spoke to me through the forgotten letter. and suddenly i felt hope. beautiful hope. and that the fighting and pushing will end, and only with sweeter reward because of the fight.
and as many have put it in the terms of labor/delivery. God is doing something within me that i myself can not even place my finger on. but, right now i am in that laboring process, it's painful, it's long, it's uncertain. in the end though, something is birthed. so here i am still pushing and fighting for the glimpse of God's glory, that will come to pass in my life. fight the good fight, i pray i do.

ps.
and the 20 second prayer request.. was my cousin deciding to go to woman's retreat.
that happened the next day after the letter.
God is good.

there is hope

to be completely honest. the last month things been hard, dry, and dark. it is a time when God is moving, but i feel like i have to fight and push through the thicket. but this week, God gave me hope twice so far.
in forms of a forgotten letter and a literally 20 second answered prayer.
i am in class and wish i had more time to tell you.
but here is just a heads up for now.

there is hope at the end of the tunnel. brillian and strong hope, that radiates and humbles me. There is hope beautiful, i have never felt this light and relieved in such a long time.
There is hope, i have forgotten all about.

i guess i should finally post another entry

so awesomely clinicals ended today at 1:00 pm! however this means i have to wait around till my ride person is done with her clinicals.
which makes me annoyed because today is the day i decided not to bring my ipod or other "waiting around" essentials today. so that brings me here...

to be quite honest i have alot of things to say. but i just don't have to time to post. or at the end of the day i am too exhausted to post.
there are two things i would like to say.

number 1: i miss God. life this semester has been moving full speed ahead. it's charging like none other and with my "i am NOT going to fail my adult health" attitude i am busy. this is the busiest i have ever been in regards to school and church. in the midst of all these schedulings, clinicals, school, and being leader i forget to factor in God. My God, my heavenly Father who is waiting to spend some time with me as i just charge right past Him ready to do the next thing. and then He just gets pushed further and further into the corner, where i began to Not notice that He is still there waiting. therefore as i push along this thing called life, i feel that void, that extreme emptiness and longing. what is that?? everything seems to be going okay, but why does my spirit fall into longing? and then i realize i missed God. so now i am missing Him. it amazes me every time at how hectic the semester gets i miss God. i still have QT though they are not as deep, i still pray only they are not as meaningful, i still have the same desires to serve Him and honor Him. however, i missed Him standing there in the corner.
Dear God, i am so sorry. it has only been a week, but i miss you. there really is nothing too important that should tear me away from You. but God, i forget that and i begin to forget the taste of your presence. and as the longing and void enlarges over my heart i ask God, to bring me back to your GRACE and awesome LOVE. because God i know that you miss me too, and i can feel that. take me back, God, take me back. i love you, your wayward daughter, Sofy.

Never mind i only had one thing to say. the second thing is not as important.

its been almost a year

its been almost a year since i went away.
i stopped because i grew tired and listless. and didn't at the moment have it anymore in me to write, somewhere else other than my journal.
that last blog seemed like such a long time ago... well it was.
and little did i know that when i wrote that blog... my life was going to get hit with a whirlwind of things that i wasn't sure i could brace myself for.
but i survived, stronger and wiser. and i look back, thinking "geez, i guess i was ready... more ready than i thought i was."
btw. i am NOT talking about a boy.

my life happens to be perfectly drama free like that.
pish sometimes your blogs make me laugh out loud... but i am too lazy to comment.