surrendering,

i am suddenly feeling as if a giant cavemen has come out of the blue and punched me in the face with the stick of reality. the nclex is coming quite near and i ended up out of sheer nervousness delaying my test date from February 1st to the 5th.

i talked myself into this, because there were no other dates to reschedule to and i was sick for about three days. which meant that i lost about three precious days to cram even more crazy knowledge into my already overwhelmed brain.

in spite of all this nervousness and crazy, God has been telling me awesome stuff. that HE is BIGGER, the BIGGEST thing out there and that HE is on my SIDE. i was really wrestling with the whole issue of dropping the test date for another. praying about and trying not to take action because I want to be in control and not allowing God to be in utter and total control of my life.

in the end it seemed that God wanted me to know "it didn't really matter, what test date i chose"

assuming that FOUR extra days was NOT to make much of a difference on a human level. MY DADDY, MY GOD is on my side. it's in moments like this where i learn the most about surrendering to HIM.

"...The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

hooHA.!

Victorious Waiting.

the first few weeks of any new year, keeps in at a bliss at being able to start afresh with a slate that has hardly been touched, written on, or even clouded with bits of chalk dust.

i used to make new year's resolutions when i was younger, things pertaining to weight, exercise, being nice, Bible reading. and every year i miserably failed.

after about the second year of high school, i no longer saw the need to make a new goal in my life where i could only end up in failure.

this year however was different. after my last week of 2009 was rocked by the Urbana conference.

ending the year and starting the year with a bang. God began to do some revealing within me. he did some major revealing when it came to the area of my life where i needed to really work on.

patience. as i get older i have become to realize the truth about myself.

i am freaking impatient.

and as i become more busy with life and more involved and more just out there. i expect fast, quick results. i hate waiting. it could be anything, waiting in line for checkout. i can give really dirty looks when the cashier is just a tad bit slow. or waiting for things to pan out in my life, so that i can go overseas and see the world.

i hate waiting for my amazon purchases to come into the mail and i hate waiting for things to start. i would rather be late than to wait.

i want results now, i want answers now, i want to be tended to NOW.

God revealed this ugly side of me, with tenderness and a bit of amusement as he said, "you need to relax girl"

why was i in such a hurry? maybe it is my mkness of always going and doing. or the fact that i want to do so much.

but God says wait and to enjoy the process. wait to go overseas, wait to meet your future husband, wait in line at giant, wait for the nclex test to come, wait for miracles to happen, wait.

and with this new revelation birthed my new year's resolution this year.

Victorious Waiting.

waiting is an act of Obedience that is shown again and again in the Bible.

- Jesus waited THIRTY years before he began his ministry.

- Mary and Martha had to wait FOUR days after the death of their brother, for Jesus to come.

-Abraham waited more than who KNOWS maybe EIGHTY years before he got his beloved son

- Noah waited in the ark for 370 days, can you imagine with all that nasty animal poop, let alone it took him at the absolute most 100 years to actually build the ark.

- Jonah waited in the belly of a SMELLY FISh for THREE days.

and the list just goes on and on of people in the Bible, who were commended for their ultimate Waiting Skills.

Therefore I will Wait, and pray that in Waiting I can Be Victorious.

that by Waiting God will mold me and show me even greater things that i have only yet to imagine. that waiting is a GOOD thing.

so here i go to wait upon the Lord for He is Good.

snapshots of my room

being inspired my fish's post about her room, here are some clicks of mine

welcome to my much loved, much slept in, and lived in, and cried in, and danced in room

. just the bottom floor with my collage of ireland

my bed it is really high and i have to climb unto it every night. however it is so comfy.

not really made, since i was doing my work there that day. plus my israel collage on the wall.

other side of my window... random memorbilia... the purse is from indonesia and my dragonfly mobile i had since h.s. my yearbooks... i love this corner.

corner after my desk.. with my calender and my jewlery stand, since i am obessessed with shiny things....

My desk quite messy, with my famous DKNY kissing poster i had it since h.s., my handy fridge, another korean kite, and my shelves of memory... consisting of everything from a japanese coke bottle, to geisha doll, to books, and african drums...i spend a lot of time here.

my bulletin board...my secret man wall.. which consists of david beckman because accents and soccer equals hot, rocky because he is awesome, john k. from the office because he is the cutest guy ever lived, and my gangsta poster... (it says all my life I always knew i wanted to be a gangster)

clothes rack and my kite from korea... i still don't want to let go of my fan. so it's still hanging out there.

super tired, but happy

today my nurse preceptor gave me the best comment that i could ever want.

when talking to her about my secret desires to be a flight nurse and work shock trauma.

i never felt confident enough, and i never knew how i would react in emergent situations. in situation in high stress.... i get scared that i would totally freak out.

but yesterday watching discovery health shock trauma... and seeing the nurse riding the helicopter with a guy who had a sliced artery made my mouth drooooool with anxiety. and they get wear RED jumpsuits.

i was explaining all of this to my preceptor, how i was not confident enough....and i think i may be a spazz ball.

but she told me "no sofia. you will stay calm. you are a very calm person.. you would do great at that..."

REALLYY!???????????

the nicest thing i have heard from somebody i really respect.

maybe i can be a freaking shock trauma nurse... and ride helicopters.

update on life....

i am going to try really hard, uber hard to update.
to blog... to share...to express...

how many times this year have a i started a blog post... only to delete and promise to write better and MORE next time.
here is the promise now.

UPDATE:

School:

To all seniors who told me that this was the easiest semester, go and flush yourselves down the toilet. This has so far been the most taxing, the workload doesn't make any sense... mixed with the insane bouts of senioritis has made me want to SCREAM "ENOUGH ALREADY WITH STUPID TESTS, and fake quizzes, and GROUP projects..."

this semester is the year of DRAMA in the group projects, a whole lot of crazy caddiness.

but the beautiful thing that pulls me back from wanting to sleep till this semester is over, is the amazing fact that i am almost done!!! Done, done, done, done, done, done.....

and it's wierd, feeling the way i do when i am on the hospital floor putting up IV, giving shots, testing PIV without a thought in the world... not being scared of patients anymore and actually sounding intelligent in front of doctors.

it scares me and yet excites me. and also hits me everytime at even though there is so much i do know, there is a vast amount of stuff i still DO NOT know.

but i am almost done, and i will learn all that i need to know. its going to be great i know it and completely strange when soon instead of saying "hold on, let me ask the nurse..."

realizing that.... "I AM THE NURSE..."

BE THE NURSE.

Church:

officially i am focus now and no longer in the impact world.

which makes me sad and a bit lost and a bit lonely. you work hard to make your friendships and it gets a bit sad to start all over again. so focus is focus for now, nothing much to say there since i have been too busy to really do much with them.

however timothy has been awesome... fully checked in with the timothy girls and friday night girls' only prayer meetings before friday night have been amazing.

i see so much of myself in these girls... and it makes my heart ache even more to show them "that they have awesome potential in the kingdom of God... and so much more"

Seeing the little bit of change in them week by week, encourages me to say "yes LORD, do as you want with me in their lives..."

Work:

work at the financial aid office at school is normal. i do folders and now have been promoted to front desk. i have to answer the phones now and have to listen to crazy students on the entire issue of finances.. touchy touchy subject.

no change there...

trips:

urbana 2009

clubs:

i am now a lifetime fitness memeber.. muhahahahah. i am a gymer... gyming is my game.

shows:

glee---- amazing....

flash forward--- partly due to john cho... and then the story line is kind of intense and crazy

greys--- only because i have been watching it for so long

ugly betty---- only because she is FINALLY a feature editor

sytycd--- duhhhh so that i can drool over the dances and feel sad because i can't move like that

current status:

major girl moment... meaning lots of crying watching cheesy commercials and lack of concentration on paper that is due tomorrow.

smacking my watermelon flavored gum and wondering how in the world is the paper going to take shape.

making excuses in my head that writing in my blog will help me... get ready to write my paper for tonight.

i love it when wednesdays are OVER.

you guys all should keep pestering me to keep on updating

till tomorrow is over... have a pleasant moment this week which includes sweet surprises, yummy smelling things, and lots of sunshine.

Blogging from word

Testing.. blogging from word.

Hoping that this works.

finding the part i lost

i guess on more elaboration on what my trip to Ireland did for me.
it opened me up again to the world of history, books, poetry, and oldness.

growing up in high school i was the idealistic girl. i was the dreamer, the romanticist, the lover of scandalous history. i craved the stories of the monarchs, the wars, and the poetry lines that would move me. i was passionate and seeked it.
then college came along, took a couple of history and art appreciation classes here and there. but with the decision to go into nursing, i found myself strapped onto the sciences/ critical thinking boat.
once nursing school came along, i slipped away into the world of common sense, numbers, medicine...the rules and scheduling of nursing school is so rigid and structured. that sometimes i found it so hard to breathe, i didn't realize that something was missing from me.

it was like a huge part of me was snuffed out because i was so focused on succeeding in this aspect of my life.

Ireland opened me up again. it made me hungry again and passionate for the history. it made me crave once again for the smell of old books, yearn for the sight of buildings with stories, it made me want to read poetry again.
its delightful, this feeling. like i was suddenly liberated, to learn what i always wanted to learn.
so i am back... checking out books... reading on books... especially since i brought back eight antiquarian books... the thrill of reading poetry within those binded volumes makes me want to cry.
that was another thing Ireland made me realize: i love antiques and i love books.

the idea that object or book was an intricate part of another person's life gives me chills. especially books... in a time before radios, computers, internet, and phones the thing that moved people and help people get lost into another world was books. the books i purchased was all loved, read, and cared for by another person and it makes me all giddy inside knowing that i own a piece of history.

i sigh in contentment...

one day i will have a beauty and beast like library, complete with rolling ladders.

antique shops here i come!