a long time ago...

yeah so i am going to try really hard and post.

things have happened since my last post... GOD is good.

all the fighting and pushing was worth it and there was something at the end.
God is worth fighting for i figured out.
He is so worth it.

other than that.
thanksgiving was all about the food.
and being with family. i am a family girl... in the end i just need my family.
family and food makes my world turn... and of coarse God.

pushing and fighting through

this is the continuation and further detail of the last post.
so this here the honest and cold truth... that my life right now is in that moment of dry season. that time when you try and you push but nothing seems to give. i felt like God was incredibly distant and even i did not have that desire to pursue any longer. i was bent, stretched, and exhausted. and for one brief moment i was comfortable. i didn't feel like moving and i didn't.
however, if you have tasted the chase of God and if you know the experience of passionate pursuit of God then life in itself feels remarkably empty.
and that is how i felt exactly for the past month, e-m-p-t-y.
void...dark...bottomless...unsatisfied...e-m-p-t-y.

so then i turned my face back to that distant, blurry face of God and cried out. expecting that God would swoop down like He has done all the other times and save me from that "miry clay". but this time there was no superman cape or the feeling of lightness when one is being rescued. things only seemed to get darker.

and as i began to search through prayer and through the word, two things kept on coming up. Fighting and Pushing through. being who i am, i know that i can be very sensitive to God's presence, things like renewing of the heart, hearing from God, and being able to feel cry out in utter groans for the kingdom of God came very naturally to me. however, this time around it was the exact opposite. i felt like God was saying...
"Sof, you have had it easy. you really want this? do you really want it, then come and get it. come and push through, fight for it. fight for the revival for your heart, i know it's hard but i am trying to teach you a lesson. am i worth the fight? are you willing to fight for me to keep Me as the center of your life?"

at first i said "yes", but as time went on the fighting and pushing just got harder and harder. "how much longer!" i groan. "where are you?" i whine.
mind you after that conversation, i felt like God was so far, oh so far. i was beginning to lose hope, when yesterday my forgotten letter came.

it was a letter that i had written to myself, from devotion on the ocean in may 2008. i completely forgotten about it, and the church out of all the months decided to send it a week ago. 5 months ago...i had written to myself when i was in a primal time with sweet, intimate moments with God. the whole letter is typical... until the last paragraph.. when tears began to well up in my eyes

"Sofia, just remember that God is faithful, He cares so much for you, and God loves you so much. Please remember to be passionate, about God's work and don't be swayed by the lies of the enemies who will try and make you feel doubtful, fearful, and insecure..."
right there, it doesn't seem like much, nothing profound. but at that moment God spoke to me through the forgotten letter. and suddenly i felt hope. beautiful hope. and that the fighting and pushing will end, and only with sweeter reward because of the fight.
and as many have put it in the terms of labor/delivery. God is doing something within me that i myself can not even place my finger on. but, right now i am in that laboring process, it's painful, it's long, it's uncertain. in the end though, something is birthed. so here i am still pushing and fighting for the glimpse of God's glory, that will come to pass in my life. fight the good fight, i pray i do.

ps.
and the 20 second prayer request.. was my cousin deciding to go to woman's retreat.
that happened the next day after the letter.
God is good.

there is hope

to be completely honest. the last month things been hard, dry, and dark. it is a time when God is moving, but i feel like i have to fight and push through the thicket. but this week, God gave me hope twice so far.
in forms of a forgotten letter and a literally 20 second answered prayer.
i am in class and wish i had more time to tell you.
but here is just a heads up for now.

there is hope at the end of the tunnel. brillian and strong hope, that radiates and humbles me. There is hope beautiful, i have never felt this light and relieved in such a long time.
There is hope, i have forgotten all about.

i guess i should finally post another entry

so awesomely clinicals ended today at 1:00 pm! however this means i have to wait around till my ride person is done with her clinicals.
which makes me annoyed because today is the day i decided not to bring my ipod or other "waiting around" essentials today. so that brings me here...

to be quite honest i have alot of things to say. but i just don't have to time to post. or at the end of the day i am too exhausted to post.
there are two things i would like to say.

number 1: i miss God. life this semester has been moving full speed ahead. it's charging like none other and with my "i am NOT going to fail my adult health" attitude i am busy. this is the busiest i have ever been in regards to school and church. in the midst of all these schedulings, clinicals, school, and being leader i forget to factor in God. My God, my heavenly Father who is waiting to spend some time with me as i just charge right past Him ready to do the next thing. and then He just gets pushed further and further into the corner, where i began to Not notice that He is still there waiting. therefore as i push along this thing called life, i feel that void, that extreme emptiness and longing. what is that?? everything seems to be going okay, but why does my spirit fall into longing? and then i realize i missed God. so now i am missing Him. it amazes me every time at how hectic the semester gets i miss God. i still have QT though they are not as deep, i still pray only they are not as meaningful, i still have the same desires to serve Him and honor Him. however, i missed Him standing there in the corner.
Dear God, i am so sorry. it has only been a week, but i miss you. there really is nothing too important that should tear me away from You. but God, i forget that and i begin to forget the taste of your presence. and as the longing and void enlarges over my heart i ask God, to bring me back to your GRACE and awesome LOVE. because God i know that you miss me too, and i can feel that. take me back, God, take me back. i love you, your wayward daughter, Sofy.

Never mind i only had one thing to say. the second thing is not as important.

its been almost a year

its been almost a year since i went away.
i stopped because i grew tired and listless. and didn't at the moment have it anymore in me to write, somewhere else other than my journal.
that last blog seemed like such a long time ago... well it was.
and little did i know that when i wrote that blog... my life was going to get hit with a whirlwind of things that i wasn't sure i could brace myself for.
but i survived, stronger and wiser. and i look back, thinking "geez, i guess i was ready... more ready than i thought i was."
btw. i am NOT talking about a boy.

my life happens to be perfectly drama free like that.
pish sometimes your blogs make me laugh out loud... but i am too lazy to comment.