finding the part i lost

i guess on more elaboration on what my trip to Ireland did for me.
it opened me up again to the world of history, books, poetry, and oldness.

growing up in high school i was the idealistic girl. i was the dreamer, the romanticist, the lover of scandalous history. i craved the stories of the monarchs, the wars, and the poetry lines that would move me. i was passionate and seeked it.
then college came along, took a couple of history and art appreciation classes here and there. but with the decision to go into nursing, i found myself strapped onto the sciences/ critical thinking boat.
once nursing school came along, i slipped away into the world of common sense, numbers, medicine...the rules and scheduling of nursing school is so rigid and structured. that sometimes i found it so hard to breathe, i didn't realize that something was missing from me.

it was like a huge part of me was snuffed out because i was so focused on succeeding in this aspect of my life.

Ireland opened me up again. it made me hungry again and passionate for the history. it made me crave once again for the smell of old books, yearn for the sight of buildings with stories, it made me want to read poetry again.
its delightful, this feeling. like i was suddenly liberated, to learn what i always wanted to learn.
so i am back... checking out books... reading on books... especially since i brought back eight antiquarian books... the thrill of reading poetry within those binded volumes makes me want to cry.
that was another thing Ireland made me realize: i love antiques and i love books.

the idea that object or book was an intricate part of another person's life gives me chills. especially books... in a time before radios, computers, internet, and phones the thing that moved people and help people get lost into another world was books. the books i purchased was all loved, read, and cared for by another person and it makes me all giddy inside knowing that i own a piece of history.

i sigh in contentment...

one day i will have a beauty and beast like library, complete with rolling ladders.

antique shops here i come!

ireland

so the last day of ireland has finally come. i don't want to leave, but reality calls.

on this trip was i not only able to rebond with close friends and make lasting memories.... but it made me thirst more for the culture and history of europe.

i love history and old books... and stories.. i love old archtecture and csstles, and victorian homes.

this just made me realize that i must see the rest of europe before anything else.

i like wandering and within the last ouple of days i was able to wander the streets of dublin finding all sorts of funky shops... lots of old books... and just wonder on my part.
blurb....
onto america

busy...

there are a host of things to do.
when i say "host" i think of my list of things... i think of each thing having a face and a name begging for my attention... "hello don't forget about me...!" "I am due in 24 hours what the heck are you doing?" "you haven't looked into me yet, write me down right now.."
that is why there are a host, a group of things who are grabbing at me to get them done. when will it be no longer a "host of things", an angry mob...but just a few quiet friends.

i am tired, really really tired. moments like these is when i should be crying out to Jesus. however, i do this everytime i shove him to the corner. "God i will deal with you later, can't you see i have a project due, i have tests, i have to go to the bank, i can't keep my eyes opened, you understand right?"
and God quietly, sadly goes to that corner and waits for me.
shouldn't it be when the "angry host of things" comes chasing after me, i should stand behind HIM almighty savior??

it's my nature, it's human nature to want to be left alone with "the host of things" to bring them down one at a time with my own strength. maybe that is why i am so tired, so exhausted. i box HIM up and open HIM up when i find it convenient for my time.
HE should be left unopened, without any boundaries all the time. that way i can see the magnitude of who HE really is, that HE is my shepherd, my SHIELD, HE can knock off any bunch of "angry hosts" and only use HIS thumb.
i don't remember being this zapped of energy, being so hungry for sleep.
God, i know it's insulting, for me to say this... but can you come out of your corner. come out in all of your hulkness and supermaness and help me to overcome. through you there is strength and peace... through you i find myself rising on the wings of dawn. through you i dance without tiring, through you i find my everlasting joy!
through YOU, through YOU, through YOU!!

the more i seek you, the more i find you

sometimes i wonder if in heaven we all get our own montages... or if we die and our lives our shown on that silver clouded screen, a very personal montage with all the beautiful and "it's so you" soundtracks pop up.
i have been reminiscing alot lately, maybe due to the fact that i am distracting myself from studying.. or the snow fall today makes me quiet my heart down.

one thing that has been upon my heart recently is "missing God".
and this is not a missing God- of being i am falling away, i need him in my life, save me from the depths of despair... but the missing him even more, as i get to know him even more.
how can i explain this longing in more heart? not being satisfied, as i delve in deeper my heart aches more for Him. it is like my spirit is craving for more.

and then i began to think about it, where did all this longing come from? this might sound Crazzeee or retarded... but a thought came to me and i am going to share it.

personally, i think that long ago before we were born, we were with God. As God was creating us and "knitting us" in our mother's womb we were with him. our spirits were with him, and it communed with him, shared moments with him, and i think those moments was when our spirit and God was having that indescribable relationship of Creator and Creation.
Once God creates us, our spirit is placed within that earthly body and we are sent, we are born, we come alive here on earth.
As we grow and live, that spirit grows and lives with the world and we forget. We forget those tender moments with the almighty one, we forget the meaning of communing with God, we forget. however, i believe that as moments such as this, the spirit can also remember.

and maybe that is what my spirit is doing, remembering, longing to be with the one and only God. glimpses of heaven longing, tastes of the everlasting makes me desire even more. who can imagine what it will be like when all is said and done, and we get those moments with our Abba Father. And those moments will last forever and ever.

so i miss God, as i search more, feel more, dive deeper-- realizing i barely scratched the surface to His heart for me.

this song WOW so simple, yet it says everything i want to say to Him.

have a week filled with His awesome presence and Grace...