this is the continuation and further detail of the last post.
so this here the honest and cold truth... that my life right now is in that moment of dry season. that time when you try and you push but nothing seems to give. i felt like God was incredibly distant and even i did not have that desire to pursue any longer. i was bent, stretched, and exhausted. and for one brief moment i was comfortable. i didn't feel like moving and i didn't.
however, if you have tasted the chase of God and if you know the experience of passionate pursuit of God then life in itself feels remarkably empty.
and that is how i felt exactly for the past month, e-m-p-t-y.
void...dark...bottomless...unsatisfied...e-m-p-t-y.
so then i turned my face back to that distant, blurry face of God and cried out. expecting that God would swoop down like He has done all the other times and save me from that "miry clay". but this time there was no superman cape or the feeling of lightness when one is being rescued. things only seemed to get darker.
and as i began to search through prayer and through the word, two things kept on coming up. Fighting and Pushing through. being who i am, i know that i can be very sensitive to God's presence, things like renewing of the heart, hearing from God, and being able to feel cry out in utter groans for the kingdom of God came very naturally to me. however, this time around it was the exact opposite. i felt like God was saying...
"Sof, you have had it easy. you really want this? do you really want it, then come and get it. come and push through, fight for it. fight for the revival for your heart, i know it's hard but i am trying to teach you a lesson. am i worth the fight? are you willing to fight for me to keep Me as the center of your life?"
at first i said "yes", but as time went on the fighting and pushing just got harder and harder. "how much longer!" i groan. "where are you?" i whine.
mind you after that conversation, i felt like God was so far, oh so far. i was beginning to lose hope, when yesterday my forgotten letter came.
it was a letter that i had written to myself, from devotion on the ocean in may 2008. i completely forgotten about it, and the church out of all the months decided to send it a week ago. 5 months ago...i had written to myself when i was in a primal time with sweet, intimate moments with God. the whole letter is typical... until the last paragraph.. when tears began to well up in my eyes
"Sofia, just remember that God is faithful, He cares so much for you, and God loves you so much. Please remember to be passionate, about God's work and don't be swayed by the lies of the enemies who will try and make you feel doubtful, fearful, and insecure..."
right there, it doesn't seem like much, nothing profound. but at that moment God spoke to me through the forgotten letter. and suddenly i felt hope. beautiful hope. and that the fighting and pushing will end, and only with sweeter reward because of the fight.
and as many have put it in the terms of labor/delivery. God is doing something within me that i myself can not even place my finger on. but, right now i am in that laboring process, it's painful, it's long, it's uncertain. in the end though, something is birthed. so here i am still pushing and fighting for the glimpse of God's glory, that will come to pass in my life. fight the good fight, i pray i do.
ps.
and the 20 second prayer request.. was my cousin deciding to go to woman's retreat.
that happened the next day after the letter.
God is good.
Ultimate Goal
12 years ago
