a long time ago...

yeah so i am going to try really hard and post.

things have happened since my last post... GOD is good.

all the fighting and pushing was worth it and there was something at the end.
God is worth fighting for i figured out.
He is so worth it.

other than that.
thanksgiving was all about the food.
and being with family. i am a family girl... in the end i just need my family.
family and food makes my world turn... and of coarse God.

pushing and fighting through

this is the continuation and further detail of the last post.
so this here the honest and cold truth... that my life right now is in that moment of dry season. that time when you try and you push but nothing seems to give. i felt like God was incredibly distant and even i did not have that desire to pursue any longer. i was bent, stretched, and exhausted. and for one brief moment i was comfortable. i didn't feel like moving and i didn't.
however, if you have tasted the chase of God and if you know the experience of passionate pursuit of God then life in itself feels remarkably empty.
and that is how i felt exactly for the past month, e-m-p-t-y.
void...dark...bottomless...unsatisfied...e-m-p-t-y.

so then i turned my face back to that distant, blurry face of God and cried out. expecting that God would swoop down like He has done all the other times and save me from that "miry clay". but this time there was no superman cape or the feeling of lightness when one is being rescued. things only seemed to get darker.

and as i began to search through prayer and through the word, two things kept on coming up. Fighting and Pushing through. being who i am, i know that i can be very sensitive to God's presence, things like renewing of the heart, hearing from God, and being able to feel cry out in utter groans for the kingdom of God came very naturally to me. however, this time around it was the exact opposite. i felt like God was saying...
"Sof, you have had it easy. you really want this? do you really want it, then come and get it. come and push through, fight for it. fight for the revival for your heart, i know it's hard but i am trying to teach you a lesson. am i worth the fight? are you willing to fight for me to keep Me as the center of your life?"

at first i said "yes", but as time went on the fighting and pushing just got harder and harder. "how much longer!" i groan. "where are you?" i whine.
mind you after that conversation, i felt like God was so far, oh so far. i was beginning to lose hope, when yesterday my forgotten letter came.

it was a letter that i had written to myself, from devotion on the ocean in may 2008. i completely forgotten about it, and the church out of all the months decided to send it a week ago. 5 months ago...i had written to myself when i was in a primal time with sweet, intimate moments with God. the whole letter is typical... until the last paragraph.. when tears began to well up in my eyes

"Sofia, just remember that God is faithful, He cares so much for you, and God loves you so much. Please remember to be passionate, about God's work and don't be swayed by the lies of the enemies who will try and make you feel doubtful, fearful, and insecure..."
right there, it doesn't seem like much, nothing profound. but at that moment God spoke to me through the forgotten letter. and suddenly i felt hope. beautiful hope. and that the fighting and pushing will end, and only with sweeter reward because of the fight.
and as many have put it in the terms of labor/delivery. God is doing something within me that i myself can not even place my finger on. but, right now i am in that laboring process, it's painful, it's long, it's uncertain. in the end though, something is birthed. so here i am still pushing and fighting for the glimpse of God's glory, that will come to pass in my life. fight the good fight, i pray i do.

ps.
and the 20 second prayer request.. was my cousin deciding to go to woman's retreat.
that happened the next day after the letter.
God is good.

there is hope

to be completely honest. the last month things been hard, dry, and dark. it is a time when God is moving, but i feel like i have to fight and push through the thicket. but this week, God gave me hope twice so far.
in forms of a forgotten letter and a literally 20 second answered prayer.
i am in class and wish i had more time to tell you.
but here is just a heads up for now.

there is hope at the end of the tunnel. brillian and strong hope, that radiates and humbles me. There is hope beautiful, i have never felt this light and relieved in such a long time.
There is hope, i have forgotten all about.

i guess i should finally post another entry

so awesomely clinicals ended today at 1:00 pm! however this means i have to wait around till my ride person is done with her clinicals.
which makes me annoyed because today is the day i decided not to bring my ipod or other "waiting around" essentials today. so that brings me here...

to be quite honest i have alot of things to say. but i just don't have to time to post. or at the end of the day i am too exhausted to post.
there are two things i would like to say.

number 1: i miss God. life this semester has been moving full speed ahead. it's charging like none other and with my "i am NOT going to fail my adult health" attitude i am busy. this is the busiest i have ever been in regards to school and church. in the midst of all these schedulings, clinicals, school, and being leader i forget to factor in God. My God, my heavenly Father who is waiting to spend some time with me as i just charge right past Him ready to do the next thing. and then He just gets pushed further and further into the corner, where i began to Not notice that He is still there waiting. therefore as i push along this thing called life, i feel that void, that extreme emptiness and longing. what is that?? everything seems to be going okay, but why does my spirit fall into longing? and then i realize i missed God. so now i am missing Him. it amazes me every time at how hectic the semester gets i miss God. i still have QT though they are not as deep, i still pray only they are not as meaningful, i still have the same desires to serve Him and honor Him. however, i missed Him standing there in the corner.
Dear God, i am so sorry. it has only been a week, but i miss you. there really is nothing too important that should tear me away from You. but God, i forget that and i begin to forget the taste of your presence. and as the longing and void enlarges over my heart i ask God, to bring me back to your GRACE and awesome LOVE. because God i know that you miss me too, and i can feel that. take me back, God, take me back. i love you, your wayward daughter, Sofy.

Never mind i only had one thing to say. the second thing is not as important.

its been almost a year

its been almost a year since i went away.
i stopped because i grew tired and listless. and didn't at the moment have it anymore in me to write, somewhere else other than my journal.
that last blog seemed like such a long time ago... well it was.
and little did i know that when i wrote that blog... my life was going to get hit with a whirlwind of things that i wasn't sure i could brace myself for.
but i survived, stronger and wiser. and i look back, thinking "geez, i guess i was ready... more ready than i thought i was."
btw. i am NOT talking about a boy.

my life happens to be perfectly drama free like that.
pish sometimes your blogs make me laugh out loud... but i am too lazy to comment.

car drive

i was talking to my dad. and he ended up asking me how my car was doing, since the stupid thing was causing me so much trouble in the last couple of days.

we made some small talk about cars, here and there. when i brought up the desire to one day own a honda accord. that was the only kind of car was drove, when we were still living in the states. and i guess for some reason that just brought back a flood of memories for my dad. he then started to talk about how when i was a baby they had to drive me around, till i fell asleep in the car. it was light blue accord ( i remember) and everytime they got to a stop light i would wake up screeching.
so whenever they needed me to calm me down they had to go driving...
he was speaking randomly and fondly...
that my throat tightened up so badly. conversations with mom doesn't usually illicit any form of tears or lump in the throat syndrome. but conversations with dad does, for some strange reason. maybe it's because somehow he always makes it sentimental or the talk diverts into either my safety/ well being or when i was little.

it was hard trying to not let the tears spill out, cuz i miss my parents both of them so much. that i forget, it just kind of goes away. however, conversations like those spark a crying fit. which just reminds me that i am still a BIG baby.

SIGH... argh.. what a day.

show reviews

okay so i watch alot of tv.
i dabble here and there, experimenting one week, and it also depends on how much time i have.

so here is what i have to say...

ugly betty:
its a complicated story line. really really twisted and full of secret tunnels and scandals. it's everything rolled into one. it has humor, romance, drama, suspense, and loads of comedy. i really fell in love with the first season, just because of betty's kind hearted nature and the transformation of daniel...
the only thing i am disgruntled about is her relationship with henry. they are cute, he is so cute. but hello he just got a girl pregnant and he is planning on going back to be with her to raise the kid. i don't know what they are thinking going on sleeping together like that. i thought betty was much smarter than that, but then again it show another more humane side of her that is a little be endearing.
they also recently added in a gay lover for mark, which is wierd. and i am not sure if i am totally comfortable with it yet to be honest with myself. i am still committed to this show and will get evermore sucked into the scandals of it all.

grey's anatomy;
it's getting old. however i only really watch it for christina yang and bailey's characters. the medical story lines are amazing and watching all the surgeries going on makes me excited. the story line is dumb. and i hate it how EVERYBODY is just sleeping with each other i lost count. meredith is lame and she needs to get out of her freaking retarded butt and make a committment to mcdreamy. she is so not mcdreamy's type and worth anyways. but she is always going through the same things, and i find her rather exhausting....
izzy and george makes me fume.... george because he made a mistake by getting married to the wrong girl and then sleeping with another while married. and izzy just cuz she thought it was ok for her to sleep with george and not feel humiliated by it. whatever they both go what they want, and i hope something bad happens to them both. i feel bad for callie... i think burke and addison was smart for leaving seattle grace.

private practice:
the staff here too is pretty deranged and messed up. especially the psychiatrist, she is the one who needs help getting over this allan fellow. i really don't think that she is in the right mind to be giving people mental advice, when she herself is clearly off the chart. and i also find it wierd that dell and naomi sort of have a thing but not really. i don't find it attractive at all but sorta of creepy.
he needs to hang out with ppl his own age. however i do like the medical storyline again, it is interesting and unique. even though i am not sure how realistic that it may be. one or two episodes did make me cry. so i gave me props for that. over all i don't get too sad if i miss an episode.

pushing daisies:
lee pace is CUTE for words. and chuck is annoying. but the overall feel of the show is whimsical and very endearing. i love the set, the costumes (chuck has the prettiest dresses), the characters are really unique. it is all in all a very sweet and creative story line. it's kinda of cute how chuck and ned can't touch each other.
but after a couple of episodes i am getting a little bored. its' the same storyline. of dead people and finding the murder. i have suddenly realized that i watch the show not for the story line but for the incredible set and graphics. it's again getting a little old. the only thing i will always love forever is digby the dog...

chuck:
he is so cute... the perfect cute nerd character ever.
again old... maybe because rather than it being a ever growing story it is one small story during every episode. chuck has vision, hot cia agent, and cold nsa agent save the day. he always has something cute to say that makes me laugh...
but i find his relationship with his sister annoying and unnatural. but i am ready and willing to see what more he can do.. and if he will ever break free from the buy more.

the office:
i laugh out loud as in belly laugh at least 3 times during each episode which is alot. but they are ridiculous and makes me really wonder if they are really people like that in the world. there are some great quotes that come from this show.. and it's heart warming in a creepy way.

i think that's about it.
i know i watch way too much.... but there are so many good thigns to watch out there.