why...?

i am beginning to slowly open up to the idea of expressing myself on blog again.
it's like finding an old toy, realizing at how much you missed it. you take it out, blow the dust off of it, and see if it still works.... meaning i wonder if i still have my writing skills down.

life has turned into routine. i do the wake up calls... which i enjoy. i realized that if i have enough sleep than i am a total morning person. and i love the mornings when the two younger ones are quiet and sleepy. i am enjoying this whole time, very very much.

so i sit here and contemplate. i think about how life is so unexpected and mysterious. how no matter how hard you try you realize everyday that you are not in control. i wondered and pondered on why i am here in texas. why i am here, when my best and closest friend was going through the worst days of her life? why couldn't i be there for her? i wanted to leave everything and just take a plane to just be with her. why did it pan out like this? my heart so burdened and choking back tears to be strong for her, when i heard her shaky voice over the phone.

and the questions come pouring into my heart. the reason God, i want the reason... why? why am i here, why is she there? why right now? why this family? God, why? we question as people, and yearn for the answer to: why? why? why?

as the "why?" questions pile up, the answers don't. why God? why?

and as i sit here while this question resounds within me...silence.
than...
"be still and know that I am God...be still, be still, be still..." and suddenly it feels as if a gentle hand reaches into my heart and extracts all those "whys?" scattering them across the breeze.
"be still and know that i am God..."
"yes, God, i will try."
it's hard not to be totally free from asking "why?"...
but the removing of most of them, makes room for the peace.

so the answer to all the "whys?"... i don't know. i don't know why i am here and she is there. i don't know why it was at this moment. i don't know. i don't know.
however, it's going to be okay. she is going to be okay.

conclusion... i love you friend so much. and my heart and throat has lumps because i feel your pain. i don't have any answers, but know that i am here for you. it's okay to ask "why?"... i have to end this post before i end up bursting into tears in front of the kids.
here is my virtual shoulder to cry on. lovelove, fiat.