finding the part i lost

i guess on more elaboration on what my trip to Ireland did for me.
it opened me up again to the world of history, books, poetry, and oldness.

growing up in high school i was the idealistic girl. i was the dreamer, the romanticist, the lover of scandalous history. i craved the stories of the monarchs, the wars, and the poetry lines that would move me. i was passionate and seeked it.
then college came along, took a couple of history and art appreciation classes here and there. but with the decision to go into nursing, i found myself strapped onto the sciences/ critical thinking boat.
once nursing school came along, i slipped away into the world of common sense, numbers, medicine...the rules and scheduling of nursing school is so rigid and structured. that sometimes i found it so hard to breathe, i didn't realize that something was missing from me.

it was like a huge part of me was snuffed out because i was so focused on succeeding in this aspect of my life.

Ireland opened me up again. it made me hungry again and passionate for the history. it made me crave once again for the smell of old books, yearn for the sight of buildings with stories, it made me want to read poetry again.
its delightful, this feeling. like i was suddenly liberated, to learn what i always wanted to learn.
so i am back... checking out books... reading on books... especially since i brought back eight antiquarian books... the thrill of reading poetry within those binded volumes makes me want to cry.
that was another thing Ireland made me realize: i love antiques and i love books.

the idea that object or book was an intricate part of another person's life gives me chills. especially books... in a time before radios, computers, internet, and phones the thing that moved people and help people get lost into another world was books. the books i purchased was all loved, read, and cared for by another person and it makes me all giddy inside knowing that i own a piece of history.

i sigh in contentment...

one day i will have a beauty and beast like library, complete with rolling ladders.

antique shops here i come!

ireland

so the last day of ireland has finally come. i don't want to leave, but reality calls.

on this trip was i not only able to rebond with close friends and make lasting memories.... but it made me thirst more for the culture and history of europe.

i love history and old books... and stories.. i love old archtecture and csstles, and victorian homes.

this just made me realize that i must see the rest of europe before anything else.

i like wandering and within the last ouple of days i was able to wander the streets of dublin finding all sorts of funky shops... lots of old books... and just wonder on my part.
blurb....
onto america

busy...

there are a host of things to do.
when i say "host" i think of my list of things... i think of each thing having a face and a name begging for my attention... "hello don't forget about me...!" "I am due in 24 hours what the heck are you doing?" "you haven't looked into me yet, write me down right now.."
that is why there are a host, a group of things who are grabbing at me to get them done. when will it be no longer a "host of things", an angry mob...but just a few quiet friends.

i am tired, really really tired. moments like these is when i should be crying out to Jesus. however, i do this everytime i shove him to the corner. "God i will deal with you later, can't you see i have a project due, i have tests, i have to go to the bank, i can't keep my eyes opened, you understand right?"
and God quietly, sadly goes to that corner and waits for me.
shouldn't it be when the "angry host of things" comes chasing after me, i should stand behind HIM almighty savior??

it's my nature, it's human nature to want to be left alone with "the host of things" to bring them down one at a time with my own strength. maybe that is why i am so tired, so exhausted. i box HIM up and open HIM up when i find it convenient for my time.
HE should be left unopened, without any boundaries all the time. that way i can see the magnitude of who HE really is, that HE is my shepherd, my SHIELD, HE can knock off any bunch of "angry hosts" and only use HIS thumb.
i don't remember being this zapped of energy, being so hungry for sleep.
God, i know it's insulting, for me to say this... but can you come out of your corner. come out in all of your hulkness and supermaness and help me to overcome. through you there is strength and peace... through you i find myself rising on the wings of dawn. through you i dance without tiring, through you i find my everlasting joy!
through YOU, through YOU, through YOU!!

the more i seek you, the more i find you

sometimes i wonder if in heaven we all get our own montages... or if we die and our lives our shown on that silver clouded screen, a very personal montage with all the beautiful and "it's so you" soundtracks pop up.
i have been reminiscing alot lately, maybe due to the fact that i am distracting myself from studying.. or the snow fall today makes me quiet my heart down.

one thing that has been upon my heart recently is "missing God".
and this is not a missing God- of being i am falling away, i need him in my life, save me from the depths of despair... but the missing him even more, as i get to know him even more.
how can i explain this longing in more heart? not being satisfied, as i delve in deeper my heart aches more for Him. it is like my spirit is craving for more.

and then i began to think about it, where did all this longing come from? this might sound Crazzeee or retarded... but a thought came to me and i am going to share it.

personally, i think that long ago before we were born, we were with God. As God was creating us and "knitting us" in our mother's womb we were with him. our spirits were with him, and it communed with him, shared moments with him, and i think those moments was when our spirit and God was having that indescribable relationship of Creator and Creation.
Once God creates us, our spirit is placed within that earthly body and we are sent, we are born, we come alive here on earth.
As we grow and live, that spirit grows and lives with the world and we forget. We forget those tender moments with the almighty one, we forget the meaning of communing with God, we forget. however, i believe that as moments such as this, the spirit can also remember.

and maybe that is what my spirit is doing, remembering, longing to be with the one and only God. glimpses of heaven longing, tastes of the everlasting makes me desire even more. who can imagine what it will be like when all is said and done, and we get those moments with our Abba Father. And those moments will last forever and ever.

so i miss God, as i search more, feel more, dive deeper-- realizing i barely scratched the surface to His heart for me.

this song WOW so simple, yet it says everything i want to say to Him.

have a week filled with His awesome presence and Grace...

pondering instead of studying...

i was thinking about things the other day... deep philosophical things. when people first meet me, they don't get that impression that i think alot. i put off this front that my life is all about disney, cartoons, and color. but there are moments when i sit and ponder about everything. and on this particular evening i was thinking about what Wisdom was. i don't know why, but we always pray for Wisdom, we want to be wise, and we look upon the old sages with admiration...

so i began to think and break down what wisdom means to me...

What is wisdom? i think wisdom is the ability to have a teachable heart at all times. It the ability to in whatever situation positive or negative, extract nuggets of truth and learning points. Wise people are able to take these nuggets and treasure them in their hearts, sharing them with others who might have gone through the same situations. Wise people are continual learners. Wisdom is broken down to three things: discernment, teachable heart, and good boundaries.
I think that "good boundaries" is something that we tend to forget in regards to wisdom and wise sages. But these people have the ability know these boundaries in the way they talk, they way they act, and the way they think.
A wise person has excellent boundaries, and it takes wisdom to develop these boundaries.
Wisdom doesn't come in explosions, but in a gradual moments. we don't notice but God drops wisdomful moments for us all the time. we just need to walk around with our hearts and hands opened to catch them when He does.

that is my piece for this week.

hope it made you think.
- sofs

from the mouth of babes... part 2

(1.) watching ellen drink some water, and see it dribble down her cheek. she does not
bother to wipe it..
Me: "wipe your mouth, girl you look like one of my stroke patients."
ellen: " what's a stroke?"
ellie: "you know something in your brain thing..."
Me: " you know a stroke.. (trying to explain.)
ellen: with a serious expression "are you trying to curse me right now?"
WHat the heck.? hahahaha

(2). Me: "thomas jefferson wasn't a christian."
ellen: "huh... did he go to the other place?" meaning hell.... she was shocked out of her mind.

(3.) glo and i threw a surprise party for elena.. after the commotion and the balloons and cupcakes.... we were just sitting totally zoned out so tired.. surrounded by the mess around us.

ellen comes marching down with a scarf around her head...
"why are you guys acting like hobos.. just sitting here..."
i don't know why but it made me laugh...

(4.) shasha and elo just came back from school. i was sitting on the floor talking to elo about her day. and then sha sha comes over.

shasha: "elo can you sit near the bathroom and talk to me while i poop?" (totally seriously)
elo: "No!" and then stomps away
shasha to me: "can you please sit there while i poop..."
me: "sure why not shasha."

so i sit there right next to the bathroom... talking to a boy who is grunting while he poops. his bathroom door is opened.. cuz he refuses to close it. and we talk about his day. i laugh silently. poor boy i think he gets scared pooping by himself.

i had to leave to tend to something so i tell sha sha bye...
later i hear elo and sha sha making jokes... and having a conversation. for about 30 min...

i yell back.."stop fooling around and poop!!! totally serious
glo starts to crack up...

another moment...
every time shasha has to fart.. he gets this funny face.. then says "uh oh." then lets it rip. these kids not a meal goes by when fart, or poop, or diarrhea somehow gets into the convo... oh the joys.

i love these kids.
but today was hard. and it is still hard its so different... i always loved youth. but working with youth at church is sooo different than living with one.
not going to elaborate, but today i was really disappointed and mad for the first time at a person's actions. at a loss for the first time...

my adventures of being a texan housemom is almost coming to a close.

till next time.

- mama sof

from the mouth of babes...

(1.) Glo: "Be still woman.." (as she works on elo's hairs, she is the youngest)
Elo: "I am not a woman."
Glo: "Why not?"
Elo: "Because i don't have boobs yet.." cute impish smile...
---cutie pie---

(2.) Me: "I had a dream that i was helping a lady deliver a baby?"
Ellen: "Isn't that what corks do?" (2nd oldest)
Me and Glo: "Corks? what the heck are corks?"
Ellie: "YOU MEAN STORKS????" (she is the eldest)
Ellen: "YEah storks..."
glo and i laughing in the background...

(3.) Me: "Elena (the 3rd) can you please open the blinds.."
Ellen: "Yeah do it maiddd."
Elena: "I am not your maid..."
Me: "Ellen! be nice.!"
Ellen: "GOSH, haven't you ever played PRETEND?!" she yelled this actually... whatever i do i can never really mad at this blunt, tough, totally honest chica...
like you were pretending... so not she was lounging on the couch watching disney channel.

(4.) Elisha: "are we going to play charades tonight?"
Me and Glo: "Maybe, We'll see" (technically meaning not really.."
Elisha: " i don't like those words.. like "maybe" and "we'll see" that
means we are not going to do it."
awww... right on brother. and we ended up not we were too tired.

(5.) the telephone rings.. and caller id says it is a church lady.
Ellen: "Don't pick up the phone, she talks too much."
Me: "Ellen, that's rude..." while i pick up the phone
While i am talking to this ahjimma... i am fending off ellen and her 1.2 comments...trying to shush her.. things like..
"don't invite her kids over."
"hang up the phone"
"don't tell her anything..."
HAHAHAHAHAHA.... and after about 15 mins. later after i hang up the phone.
"Ellen what is your problem.."
Ellen: "Doesn't she talk alot, that's why my mom never picks up when she calls..."

(6.) Me: "Who in your family has your dad's humor?"
Elena: "What's a sumor?"
All of us: "Huh?, a sumor?"
Elena: "What's that?"
Me: "you mean dad's humor?"

(7.) Me and Glo laughing uproariously while the kids are doing their work.
Ellen: "Can you please lower your laughter..." in a valley accent.

there are so much more than this... especially with the youngest since she can't pronounce her "r" properly. but i can't seem to remember.
i laugh everyday, at these innocents.
hope this makes some of your day.